Avi It Is: Mind Bloggling

I'm Not Dead

2007-12-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

Oh my loyal blogees. Thanks for your support in this (hopefully temporary) dry spell. I've missed several blog entries, not due to lack of material, I just don't have the appropriate chair with lower back support required to write long winded entries. I know you'd love to hear about the time I was reading to my blind woman and her seeing eye dog farted. (do i speak up and blame it on the dog? is she familiar enough with her dogs fart smell, that i don't need to say anything? do dogs fart?). But at what cost? Not being able to play catch with my unborn children? I didn't think so. Or how about that time this past August when i was rubbed down while laying completely naked on a massage table by a man i'm not entirely sure had washed his hands prior. Place, Seoul, Korea. Venue, Korean Bath House. State of mind, self induced coma (until he rubbed ice hot on my anus, that would wake you up too). Is recounting that story worth not being able to pick up dropped change when i'm 42?

once I procure the appropriate furniture, things will get on their way.

I've also wanted to start a series called "Under 8" and document all great meals i've eaten in NYC for Under 8 dollars. A feet not to be taken lightly considering things are expensive. Most recently, The Shwarma and Falafel king in Astoria, Queens, $6 for basmati rice, good shwarma and side salad that includes pickled sliced horse radish. Enju (Manhattan 17th btw broad and 5th), lunch special 7.50 changles daily accompanied by soup, great cheep Japanese food. Lahor (near Jersey and Crosby streets SoHo), $6 for mushy, tasty, filling food from the worlds disputed zone, somewhere east of thailand and west of Egypt. Vanessas Dumplings (14th and 3rd ave), under 7 bucks for 6 dumplings and hot and sour soup, a deal that's filling, hot, and mouth watering. Tiffin Wallah (28th street near lex), $7 lunch buffet, it wouldn't be an indian restaurant if it didn't have a lunch buffet. Native American Guy on Bowery near 2nd st, 5 dollar gigantic burrito with all sorts of veggies and good chicken or sausage, made to order. Empanada Cart (22nd near 12th ave), 3 delicious chicken empanads for 6 bucks.

I could go on but now i'm hungry and tired and my back hurts.

Be looking for Korea pics, and pictures from this years Canstruction.

Five Ways To Reduce YOUR Carbon Footprint

2007-07-23T23:22:00.001-04:00

G - First rule of being GREEN: Botted water is BAD. A quick trick to making bottled water sustainable, pour it into a reusable Nalgene bottle.

R - Do you drive? A car powered by gasoline? Well, if you're not a rich yuppie who's got the cash to cruise around in a Prius try this. On the back of your car place lots of bumper stickers. Stickers that say things like "Don't Follow Me, I've Got Gas." AND "I Have An Unhealthy Oil Dependency." Hey, admitting it is the first step. These messages are political, to the point and show you care.

E - Only use air conditioning in Summer months. This past January I spoke with a friend living in Bueanos Aires, Argentina. In passing he mentioned how his air conditioning wasn't working so well. I'll tell you what I told him, which is what I've already told you, only use the A.C. in the summer. Also, most household appliances should be unplugged while you're gone: fishtanks, refrigerators, dialysis machines etc.

E - Wear more green! Yes, the color! They'll get the message. Also, use "buzz words" like sustainability, industrial agriculture, buying local, food co-op and Al Gore.

N - Spread the green gospel:
- Berate your neighbors for not recycling, watering their lawn during the day, pre-heating their oven and never waiting in the morning to carpool to work with you.
- Start a rock band, between songs speak green. OR, if you're too lazy to start a band JOIN one, like U2 or REM or another socially conscious band, they're always looking for members.

Bangor Daily

2007-07-09T22:57:00.000-04:00

Pretending To Camp The Night Before Hiking

Joal, Is Everything Alright?

Ryan Wanted To Get A Head Start

I Look Like A Douche Bag. I Am A Douche Bag.

OK, Now Give Me That "I'm Standing On A Boulder Look"

Ryan Says: Do You Guys See That Chinese Restaurant?
We Say: No?
Ryan Says: Yeah, It's Right Over There. I Think It's Called Mei Wang.

Ryan, This Is No Time For Peek-A-Boo...OK One Round

This Mountain Is In Disrepair

Ryan Just Finished His Hooked On Phonics Course

Does Anyone Want Some Of My Sausage Before I Polish It Off?

Right Before An Antelope Raped Him. He Was Asking For It.

Kennybunkport, Where A Bush Can Be A Bush

A Rediculous Rainbow We Saw Driving Up To Maine

We Didn't Capture It Quite As Well As the Bangor Daily

Got Married?

2007-07-01T22:31:00.000-04:00

Shirt Goes In The Boxers

Bill Couldn't Figure Out The Third Button So I Helped Out

Brother Chase And Father Of The Groom With Bill

Fools In Tux's

Avi & T^2

That's Actually Whipped Cream

Mens Wearhouse Can Make YOU Look Like This.

That Must Have Been A Really Hard Cake To Cut

Right Before Ryan And Bill Held The Place Up

Everyone Stay Calm Place Your Wallets And Jewerly In This Bag

Miss, Please Sit Down

They Ran Out Of Circular Tables

Everytime You Click Your Glass They Had To Kiss

I Found Out That If You Click It Alot They Have to Consumate

My Present: A Vintage (Some People Say Used) Royal Rochester Toaster From The 1930's Courtesy ToasterCentral.com

Before I Go

2007-06-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

Actually, I've already gone. But here are some pics from the old apt. (and new)

The Room Where God Slept

A View From My Balcony, Know Everywhere Else As A Fire Escape

Smoking Parlor

My Fully Functional Kitchen

Well It's A Good Thing

2007-06-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

amNY reports this morning that The New York Police Department (NYPD) is suing N.Y.P.D. Pizza Delicatessen, a pizza chain based out of Orlando, FL for infringing on their trademark and name. Presumably the NYPD (police department) does not want New Yorkers to confuse the two and accidentally call NYPD Pizza Delicatessen in an emergency. The telephone numbers are surprisingly similar, NYPD (911) and N.Y.P.D. Pizza Delicatessen (407.293.8880) except the N.Y.P.D. Pizza Delicatessen promises to respond in a half hour or less, a mere fraction of the New York Police Department response time. The lawsuit allegedly stemmed from an embarrassing incident in which the NY City Police Commissioner "showed up to work" while vacationing in Florida at, what he thought was a satellite branch of the NY Police Department. It turned out to be the local pizza chain N.Y.P.D. Pizza Delicatessen.

National Zoo’s panda may be pregnant ... again!

2007-06-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

That Whore!

Thank you Rebs for bringing this article to my attention. MSNBC reports Mei Xiang, the National Zoo's Panda, may be pregnant for the SECOND time in two years. Zoo keepers can't be sure yet but have noticed "a spike in Mei's hormone levels." It's odd the zoo finds this so surprising considering two months ago THEY inseminated her with sperm from Gao Gao, "a giant panda at the San Diego Zoo." Gao Gao maintains the baby is not his and said in a statement earlier this week, "she's just a horny bitch who can't keep her legs shut, that could be anyones baby. Just because i'm the only giant fucking panda within 3000 miles of her, everyone's pointing their finger at me."

Fucking Pandas

A Life

2007-04-23T20:19:00.000-04:00

This past Sunday, the NY Times magazine chronicled Rob Corddry, his life, his house, his hobbies. They first of course approached me. I insisted the article be a multimedia collage of my life. The New York Times however found it difficult to acquire many of the licenses for songs and movies I requested be part of the video, they went with plan B, Rob. Here's what might have been (minus all the songs and video):
p.s. read the rob corddry article here before the nytimes "archives" it: the comedians lair

Morning routine: I wake up at 7 am. Set my alarm for 7.15. Finally get up, check email, shave, dump, shower, dress, take medication. I usually leave my apartment around 7.55. I used to wake up right at 7 but i figured out that I can still make it to work at 8.30 even if i sleep till 7.15. Sometimes I have to jog to the subway. There's a man on the corner of 124th and Madison that I say hi to and shakes hands with every morning. Today is his birthday, he's 44. I paused a moment longer than usual and made sure to say happy birthday. On monday, tuesday, and friday i'll read my book on the train. Wednesday I'll pick up the Village Voice and Thursday I read amNY and rip out the dinning section. Monday, Wednesday and Friday i'll get fruit and apple cider at the Union Square farmers market. Wednesdays I pick up a bottle of coffee flavored milk from the Ronnybrook farm stand. Tuesday and Thursday I buy a banana from the fruit stand on 17th and Union Sq West and Coffee from a man up the block. I get to work at 8.32.

His hangout: Restaurants and movie theaters.

How he resembles his sitcom character: We both like ginger ale, spicy tomato juice and have a constant fear of abandonment.

His double consonants: I guess you're talking about my middle name 'Asher.' Sh.

Favorite old sitcom role: Seinfeld in 'The Seinfeld Chronicles.' Does Seinfeld count as old? Anyway, he's got the life.

Prized possession: A wooden sign that says 'Avi's Room.' When I was little I had it in my room.

What he drives: No car. only public transport.

Best useless object: A bowling pin from Midway Lanes. The year was 1993, it was my birthday.

Favorite "Daily Show" memento: 12 used condoms from a late night orgy Jon Stewart had at his house in honor of the correspondents.

Favorite real-news reporter: Walter Cronkite. Although I've never actually seen him deliver the news. Let's go with Jim Lehrer instead.

Possessions that remind him of himself: A wax sculpture of me I keep under my bed. Or maybe the Seinfeld scripts for the first and second seasons.

His other job: Designing buildings

Always with him: A wrist watch. I've owned four my entire life. In fourth grade I had a Casio calculator watch. In sixth grade I upgraded to a Casio that displayed monthly average temperatures from around the world. High school I sported the Eddie Bauer edition with a bright yellow face and presently I have a Timex IronMan given to me by my bro.

Best recent gift: Probably the Timex IronMan. Thanks Lev.

Best family memento: Our kitchen table, our baby grand piano from my dads childhood home.

Evening routine: Get out of work around 5:30. Unless I'm meeting someone I exit my building and walk slowly down the block trying to think of where I can get dinner. As many people know, I've never prepared a meal for myself in NYC. I don't keep any food items in my apartment. All meals are eaten out. Sometimes I head back to Harlem and eat at El Barrio Restaurant. Like tonight. Other times I make a stop midway on the subway or i'll hang near Union Square. Some nights I catch a movie, some nights I hit an open mic, some nights I read to my blind woman, some nights I read in my head to myself, some nights I try and write an email that's over due.

Hobby: Having good conversation. Trying to think of jokes.

His desert-island discs
Rilo Kiley: Execution of All Things, Takeoffs and Landings, More Adventurous
Beatles: Abbey Road
Weezer: Blue Album
Elliot Smith: XO
Dave Brubeck: Greatest Hits

Obsolete item he can't part with: my fencing equipment. it's obsolete to me, because i don't fence. but i can't quite seem to give it away.

Workout routine: I walk everywhere.

Always in fridge: Kedem grape juice and Tropicana orange juice.

Favorite clothing item: My puma hat. It's worn out now. Can't wear it anymore.

Household chore he's fastidious about: Throwing out old things.

Favorite award: 2nd place for boomilever, state finals for NYS Science Olympiad

Next gadget: iPod video.

Next big purchase: An orange juicer.

NO, Yes (New Orleans, Yes)

2007-04-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

Getting Back On Track

That's What It Looked Like Before Katrina

Central Grocery Company

Muff Time. The Muffaletta Consists Of Italian Salami, Cheese and Olive Salad

A Large Heron

A Tiny Aligator On A Log

That's Where The House Was

This Is Where The House Is

Mothers

Po' Boy

Santosh At Mothers

To The Land Of Make Believe

Ol' Miss

Molasses

Jazz On The Misisipi

Around Tulane

Tulane

Tulane Library

More Tulane

The Sign Reads: National World War Two Museum. If You Can't Tell This Musuem Is In The Middle Of Nowere Next To a Thruway

Lilette: High Concept French American Neuvo. You Wouldn't Understand

At Donnas Watching Jazz

The Lost Wandering Blues & Jazz Band

A Chess Master Against Himself.

2007-04-03T19:59:00.000-04:00

Those who know me, know i'm an exquisite chess player. I've beaten 3 grand masters, four homeless men in Washington Square Park, Deep Blue (on chessclub.com) and Bobby Fisher (while in seclusion). I can't help but think that the last person left to beat is myself. And I did just that this weekend. In TWO moves! It was exhilarating and mortifying all the same.

A3 to B5, Check

B5 to D2, Check Mate

Photo Credit: Morgan Kim

Consumer Affairs: Tropicana OJ (Part 1)

2007-04-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

The carton says "Shake Well For Best Taste." We called their bluff and here's what we found.

Ryan and Avi make sure to shake well.

MMM, that is pretty good.

Consuming unshaken Tropicana made Ryan blow OJ from his nose. It burns.

Upon drinking the unshaken OJ, Avi doffed his clothing to prepare for the immanent explosion out of his ass.

The sign's there for a reason people. Shake well.

Photo Credit: Morgan Kim

High Five

2007-03-28T22:39:00.000-04:00

photo credit: morgan kim

Amstel and Honeydew

2007-03-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

So I got my big break. Network execs from FOX met with me in the Rainbow Room of all places. Nice enough view, decent meal. They were interested in some reality TV show ideas I had, so I pitched a couple. I started out strong, with my heavy hitter first. "Americas Next Top Pedophile." Ten guys in their mid 40's, balding, with polo shirts buttoned up all the way. How can you miss. Each week, their mission, to use the "petty-phile" cash to buy, beg, borrow or steel a young pre-teens heart. Americas Next Top Pedophile outfits each contestant with a big black van and bail money. My next idea, "Legend Sex," involved broadcasting homemade sex tapes made by famous historical figures such as Napoleon, Columbus, Elizabeth II, and Michael Ducakas. Before the waiter could even bring out the second palate cleanser, I was sitting alone, abandoned by the network execs. I had only my brilliance to keep me company.

p.s. Tonight, I was eating at Neils Coffee Shop. A man entered, sat at the counter and order Amstel and honeydew for dinner.

iMADE

2007-03-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

I'll know I've made it in this world when iTunes asks me to create a "celebrity play list." In the meantime, before the big day and so as not to ruin the big surprise "what does Avi listen to?!?" here are my top six pics...for movies.

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Infrastructure never looked so good
- Sideways: And upside down, and missionary.
- True Romance: A movie that has everything.
- Defending Your Life: The only reason I hope there's an afterlife.
- Falling Down: Everyone has these days.
- Russian Dolls: My favorite protagonist, I want to be him.

Consumer Affairs: Staples Paper

2007-03-12T21:36:00.000-04:00

In these uncertain times, death seems immanent, approaching like the inevitable pre-quels to Harry Potter. Taking unnecessary risk isn't something you OR your family should do. That's where our crack team of investigative researchers comes in. We rigorously tests, use, and report on house-hold products so your two month old doesn't have to. That's how much we care.

This issue, Staples multiuse recycled printing paper. Staples claims to have performed their own independent "third-party quality testing program." We felt their tests lacked thoroughness and employed our own fourth, fifth, and sixth party quality testing program. Read the "Staples Quality Promise" below, you'll see how laughably inadequate their program was.

Photo Credits: Morgan Kim

Well, not every job. See below.

Can Staples multiuse recycled printing paper dry hair? No, it cannot.

Do Staples multiuse recycled printing paper ear buds provide for easy listening?

We found songs that were "treble heavy" come out loud and clear. Bassier songs sound muddy. If you stick to the soaring vocals of Steve Perry, your Staples multiuse recycled printing paper ear buds are sure to please.

Does Staples multiuse recycled printing paper taste good? Yes. We made a simple Staples multiuse recycled printing paper creamed chili risotto and washed it down with a chilled white Staples multiuse recycled printing paper Pinot Grigio. Delish!! Directions, preheat oven to 450, make creamed chili risotto, bake Staples multiuse recycled printing paper for 45 minutes or until golden brown, remove and place over risotto. It's just that easy. Beat that Ms. Rachel Ray!

A Quick Plug

2007-03-11T23:15:00.000-04:00

This American Life, now on TV. Showtime. http://www.sho.com/site/thisamericanlife/home.do

Always Wondered, Never Figured, Still Incunclusive

2007-03-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

[NOTE: this entry is a little long and somewhat confusing]

Walk along any New York City street and your likely to find a United Homeless Organization (UHO) table set up waiting for your hand out. If you've never seen one, look for a folding table complete with big plastic jug, red or white table cloth, and an official looking logo. Every time I pass, the question begs, "What is UHO?" "Am I supposed to be giving them money?" "Is it actually an organization." "Is it run by the homeless?"

I spent a little time on the interweb and came across this:

On Democracy Now (DN) (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/04/07/0219252) and the Village Voice (VV) (http://www.villagevoice.com/news/0148,friedman,30289,1.html) I found articles that talk about an organization called the United Homeless Organization. This seemingly gives UHO credence, because it is cited in such established media outlets. Both web articles describe how UHO helped in the search following 9/11, documenting lost homeless people. A tricky bunch to follow seeing as the homeless do not have a conventional family or support system.

The VV article provides a link to the UHO website (www.unitedhomelessorganization.COM) that does not work. On the DN website, they link to the UHO through this address (http://www.blackplanetradio.50megs.com/uho.html). After clicking through a few pages, one is directed to a "donation page," where there isn't actually a place to donate. This web address is not the one posted on UHO donation tables throughout the city. If memory serves me correct, the address given is (www.unitedhomelessorganization.ORG). This address and the address hot-linked on DN both lead to the same web page (http://www.altrue.net/site/uho/). Note, the VV and DN provide two different web sites for the same organization.

Other information I found regarding UHO was from the website (www.VirtualObscurity.com). Virtual Obscurity, as far as I can tell, is just some guys blog...some guy like me. They claim the UHO is a scam, more or less an organized form of pan handling. People get to use the name and logo to acquire money under a seemingly legit organization, the UHO. They give a small portion of their "proceeds" to the "organization" and keep the rest. Virtual Obscurity provides a link to an "IRS form" proving UHO's supposed corruptness (I clicked on the link but didn't find the form). They also claim that UHO doesn't actually provide any programs for homeless. All UHO provides is a name to pan handle under.

Another web site, Wiretap (http://www.wiretapmag.com/stories/16987/) (cannot assess validity) explains essentially what Virtual Obscurity does, except Wiretap describes this in a good light:

"On their first day working, a person will train with someone...at a table. [They are shown] by example how to ask for a donation. At the end of [their first] shift they receive half of whatever was collected. [Subsequent shifts, a] $15.00 fee is charged [by UHO]...A person can disappear for days at a time, then return when they feel the need to work."

Wiretap also speaks of Stephen J. Riley, the head of UHO, wanting to build the organization and raise enough money to "be the first homeless organization that owns its own building...The building would be used to house homeless people and give them a place to sleep, especially during cold winter months."

Bottom line, the UHO remains somewhat of a mystery. If you donate with the intention of helping the greater good, it seems that you've been misled. However, the money is going to a homeless person, specifically the homeless person behind the jug, which is ultimately the goal? Maybe. Knowing what I know now, assuming what I know is accurate, I feel uncomfortable giving to "UHO." It feels too much like deception. As one thinks they are donating to a group, UHO, that will care for and provide assistance to homeless people. Essentially, you may as well give to any person begging for money.

If you want to help NYC homeless, try these less dubious sources:
http://www.coalitionforthehomeless.org
http://www.ny.com/community

Notes On A Life Not Mine

2007-03-01T20:54:00.000-05:00

Names have not been changed because there are no innocent.

Meet Tex. Age unknown. He's old enough to have fought in two wars, lived in 22 countries, has twice as many children, stabbed nine times, shot twice, married three, and won four bouts as a professional boxer only to stop because of a broken hip. He's written an autobiography, though not on paper and is glad to read any chapter you like in his thick southern accent that almost sounds like a foreign language. But if you can't understand his words it's more likely you just don't believe them. I've forgotten more stories and quotes by Tex in a week than most people cull in a lifetime. He recently recalled a tender account with me, remembering how he was almost "fucked to death three times. When them girls got up and sat on my face I almost suffocated. That's how I learned to breathe through my ears. And when they got real into it and wrapped their legs round my head, I wished I could breathe through my asshole."

Tex's only dream was to father enough boys for a football team but as he puts it "all I got was a squad of cheer leaders." After recalling one of his many carnivorous exploits he explained the most rewarding thing he'd ever seen was in South America when "one of them dark latin beauties was walking down the street with a blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl sucking from her titty. And you can thank me for that."

This morning, Tex dropped dead at my feat. He didn't shed a tear or spout off any last words, he just quietly lay there, smiled, and slowly put his hands over his balls. As if to say "I'm taking these with me. Because I bet there's a whole bunch of women up there in heaven waitin' for me to fuck them."

Well, I sure as hell hope so Tex. Where his work didn't take him, his fists did and when his fists couldn't win it, his dick did. He is survived by everyone alive right now.

[editors note: Tex didn't actually die, I just wasn't sure how to end it]

Counter This

2007-03-01T20:45:00.000-05:00

Walking along Avenue of the Americas tonight I noticed a gatherance of about 20 cop cars at 49th street. Wondering what could be the problem I probed a nearby police officer for details. Not noticing he was on the phone, I got the "hold on a sec" gesture and I waited momentarily while he finished his call. After he got off, the answer came, "counter-terrorism employment." No explanation, just that. Oh, I thought to myself, and is it just a coincidence that all 20 squad cars are parked in front of Adel's Halal Shwarma Shack? Hopefully Adel, hopefully.

Eggmont Key, Tales of A Hero

2007-02-27T21:39:00.000-05:00

I save lives. It's what i do. No matter how small and insignificant the life may be, I'll fuckin' save it...I don't even care. Below are three such lives.

He didn't make it. Listen, I'm not a miracle worker, just someone who cares.

Them's a nice set a hooters you got there.

Year Of The Pig

2007-01-28T14:37:00.000-05:00

In the past year I have eaten more swine than in my entire life combined. Maybe i'll go to hell or maybe there isn't even a god but one thing's for sure, I can't seem to stop. Yesterday, I had my first cuban sandwich. Later that day, pork dumplings. A few weeks ago it was several slices of bacon and Boars Head ham...and just last week it was Pozole, pork stew made with hominy. I have yet to eat a ham and cheese sandwich...that is, the final frontier.

I Suppose

2007-01-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

Katie Schorr tagged me on her blog...so here are 5 things some people don't know about me.

1) My biggest pet peeve, public nail clipping. I think It's the actual clipping sound that bothers me more than anything else. Second biggest pet peeve, people trying to have conversations with me while i'm watching Seinfeld.

2) I'm painfully aware when someone repeats a story to me. I don't like doing this myself and in conversation i'll compulsively ask whether i've already told people what i'm about to tell them. If I happen to be listening to a story i've already heard, I'll say nothing and will probably seem even more engaged.

3) I can become passive agressive with friends. I'm currently working on this. (hopefully this is something you don't know about me)

4) I have a third nipple...just the third one though, not the first two. no, seriously it's below my right nipple. apparently, this "affliction" is commonly associated with kidney problems which i may or may not have...more likely than not though seeing as i have high blood pressure...additionally, on the health front, i'm alergic to myself (i have a positive ANA).

5) Can't remember the last time I shed a tear. I can remember the last time I wanted to though. I was watching the movie My Architect. For some reason, that documentary is extremely moving.

I Know

2007-01-15T00:33:00.000-05:00

While riding the 2,3 back home a man got up in order to hit on a woman across the aisle. On his way over to the girl, he called a "seat check"...as if we weren't on a subway in NYC but rather stoping for lunch at Burger King on a road trip with his four best friend coming home from Panama city during spring break. That isn't "your" seat buddy, it's "a" seat that you happen be sitting in. So anyway, the douche bag unsuccessfully obtains the girls number and as he returns to "his" seat he finds a man occupying it. Still blind to the fact that he doesn't actually obtain any right to this seat he asks the man to leave and explains that he called a "seat check." The most sacred of social laws. For a complete list "seat check" rules go to www.seatcheck.com.

I Think I Was Right

2007-01-15T00:17:00.000-05:00

I was sitting, drinking coffee, stairing out a window when a man stumbled by holding up his right hand. In it, he was grasping a napkin soaked in blood. I was alarmed and confused and my first reaction was to think about helping him. So I slowly reached for my cell phone, reasoning that I myself would most likely be of no help. Leave this to the professionals. Just then he stopped walking and reached into his pocket with the only hand he had left, his left hand.. OK I thought, he's probably going to make the call himself. I put my phone away and watched intently. Instead of a cell phone though he removes a cigarette and lighter. As I watched the bleeding man clumsily light his cigarrette I decided that if he didn't deem this an emergency, why should I, so I went back to sitting, drinking coffee, stairing out the window.

BRASIL

2007-01-07T16:48:00.000-05:00

I have only one complaint. The napkins. Brasil must get their napkins whole sale from some generic distributor. It's as if they're made of wax paper. Wax paper is not absorbant.

Everything else was great. And Charles was a highlight. Charles is a geologist. Charles is small and scared of...most everything, avoid! avoid! avoid! is his mantra, he sprinkles it liberally over most sentances and especially in referance to street vendors, scantaly clad women, his government, and speaking Portugese. Charles was the man Lev met on the Bolivian salt flats and Charles was the man who took us through the cities of Paraty (pronounced Parachi) and Rio (pronounced Hio).

Highlights of my trip in no particular order.
1) The friendly TAM Air agent who insited I take vouchers for a hotel room and food in compensation for a 12 hour delayed flight. She was very pretty. I took the vouchers but slept in the airport and didn't eat.
2) The Churrascaria we finally found in Ipanema. All the meat you could ever eat.
3) Our "home-cooked" meal in Florianopolis. We somehow bought baking soda instead of salt and corriander instead of black peper. It was a delicious pasta dinner.
4) Guarana. The most best soft drink on planet Earth
5) Conversations about movies, business, ethics, women and food with Lev, Sam and Garett
6) The Brazilian healthcare system. IT'S FREE!!
7) A class of Argentinian school girls visiting Iguazu Falls the same day we did. Proof that not only there is a god but he's very horny.

Just Barely.

2006-12-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

I just want to take a moment and thank the staff at Airfare.com and FEDEX for getting me my plane tickets on time. In a world of automation and e-tickets and voice recognition instead of flesh and blood operators, it's easy to get frustrated. Sometimes you just want to hear a human voice, even if it's in a call center in Bangalore, India. So thank you Karen, a dedicated package service technician who's day job is to make miracles happen at FEDEX and to the mysterious Indian or maybe Pakistani man at Airfare.com who somehow managed to stop my tickets from being shipped back to Alexandria, VA...where they probably would have sat in someones inbox while my plane taxied away from the gate, sans Avi.

p.s. it's harder than you think to dig down deep and pull out a personal gut renching story like this.

"I Think Your Christmas Spirit Is Hitting On Me”

2006-12-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

SCENE 1
------------------
Exterior: It’s a snowy night in the countryside of upstate Antarctica (Santa heads south for the winter). The sun is just setting behind his old red sleigh…but not really because the sun never sets this time of year.

Interior: The Claus family is gathered around their dining room table ready to begin the Christmas feast.
------------------
Mr. Claus: Why do you always have to bring your pet chicken to the dinner table Joseph?

Joseph: It’s not a chicken dad, it’s a cock. And besides, you let Margaret’s dog eat by the table.

Mrs. Clause: Yes, but your cock does get a bit loud sometimes.

Joseph: Oh whatever (said in a dismissive tone), I have to use the restroom, who wants to hold my cock while I’m in the bathroom? (no response) Fine, I’ll hold my own god dam cock.

(Joseph leaves the table cock in hand)

SCENE 2:
------------------
Int: The Claus family is ready to begin their Chirstmas meal
------------------
Betsy: Daddy, daddy can I say grace? (said with much excitement)

Mr. Clause: No. (continues to say grace himself) Dear, 1 pound 7 ounce baby pre-mature baby jesus.

Mrs. Claus: Oh Santa, ever since you saw Talledega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby you can’t stop doing impressions of Will Ferrell.

Mr. Claus: Shut up Mary!

Mrs. Claus: My names not Mary! (Said while she begins to cry)

Mr. Claus: Oh, why are you crying now?!

Mrs. Claus: Patrick scooted his chair on my pinkie toe.

Mr. Claus: Wait, did you just say your name wasn’t Mary?

Mrs. Claus: No, it’s Carrie.

Mr. Claus: You mean all these years we’ve been married and I’ve called you by the wrong name?

Mrs. Claus: Uh, huh.

Mr. Claus: I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. Well, to my defense, we did meet in a loud bar, it was hard to hear. But still?

Mrs. Claus: After the first couple dates I didn’t have the heart to tell you. And then once we got married and had kids…it just didn’t seem right to break the news.

Mr. Claus: Well there’s nothing like a large family gathering during the holiday season to share intimate details about your self.

Mrs. Claus: I don’t think my name falls in to that category.

Patrick: (raises his hand) on that note, I have something to share with the family. It’s hard for me to do this.

Mrs. Claus: Patrick, nothing you could say right now could ruin this special moment.

Patrick: Thanks mom. OK, I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve wanted to tell you this for years. (Pause) I’m black. There, I said it.

Mrs. Claus: Oh honey, I can’t say we didn’t suspect anything. You do look a little, how does Micheal Richards say…African American. But this is quite a surprise. A great surprise! I propose a toast to Patrick.

(Before everyone has a chance to lift their glasses Margaret speaks)

Margaret: Ah guys, wait one sec. While we’re in the holiday spirit, I have something to share too. Like Patrick this is something I’ve wanted to say for years. I’m coming out as a heterosexual.

Mrs. Claus: Straight?

Margaret: As an arrow.

Mr. Claus: You mean, after all of those diversity classes and books “Be Who You Are, Not Who They Want You To Be”, and movies “Young Wet Hot…,” wait, that’s my movie. After all of that and you’re straight? Where’d we go wrong?

Margaret: No, it has nothing to do with you guys. I’m happy.

Mrs. Claus: How come you never mentioned this sooner?

Margaret: I tried. Remember that day in the supermarket. It was me, you, and dad. We were in the produce isle. Dad was pressing a peach against his face to see if it was ripe. I still contend that is not the way to determine peach ripeness. Anyway. I said “mom and dad, I have something to tell you. I’m straight.” But you wouldn’t hear of it.

Mr. Claus: I vaguely remember the peach.

Joseph: You know what. Let’s put all of this behind us. Start over. Fresh slate. Christmas is a time of new beginnings and friendship and love and pine trees…in houses. I’m going to try and make the soliloquy as long and gushy as possible but instead I just made it into a meta soliloquy rendering it devoid of any touching, meaningful…itude. You get my point.

Mr. Claus: Look, I have something to say too. I’m not really Santa Claus (say while pulling santa hat off). I’m not even Christian. My name is Avi and I’m Jewish. I feel terrible about this whole thing. I don’t even thing there is a Santa Claus. Not to break away from the Christmas spirit thing we have going here. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Mrs. Claus: OK, so who’s ready to eat!!

THE END

Betsy: Wait, hold on, the play can’t just end like that!! What happens? Does Margaret ever find true straight love? Does Patrick realize that if you’re black you don’t actually have to “come out?” And do Mr. and Mrs. Claus stay together?

Margaret: NO

Patrick: NO

Mr. and Mrs. Claus: NO

Betsy: OK, now we can eat.

Mrs. Claus Announces The Start Of The Play

Mr. & Mrs. Claus With Their Son Patrick

Some People Liked? Some People Looked Confused?

A Little Too Much Nog

2006-12-02T10:07:00.000-05:00

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

Mastacist

2006-11-29T23:54:00.000-05:00

Nowadays i'm chewing my food more carefully and into smaller pieces. I come from a long line of chokers. Interestingly, the Guter clan was almost completely wiped out in the early 1970's by choking related deaths. The problem became so serious that Guter babies were tatooed at birth. Most Guter forearms now read, "chew slowly and with care."

Thanksgiving Too

2006-11-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

A Cooked Turkey

Tim and Katie Not Married

Tim and Katie Married

p.s. the wedding was great. i had a realization though, i could never be a christian for two reasons, i have bad knees and apparently jesus requires you to kneel a lot. number two, the "body of jesus" tastes like packing peanuts. i can't pray to a god i know tastes like packing peanuts.

"Canstruction"

2006-11-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

Proof of Baby Holding

2006-10-31T00:36:00.000-05:00

My Lucky Day

2006-10-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

They say there is no such thing as a free lunch. How about a free dinner? I stepped into the Soup Man (made famous on Seinfeld as the Soup Nazi) tonight for a quick tomato basil and ginger ale. The total came to $7.50. Apparently, a 10 dollar bill was too large to make change for, so the Soup Man gave it to me on the house. Oh what a night.

This post is a testament to how exciting my life is.

Untitled Four

2006-10-16T23:16:00.000-04:00

An Empty House

2006-10-16T23:07:00.000-04:00

This is where I spent ten years of my life.

First Baby Anyone Ever Let Me Hold

2006-10-09T23:32:00.000-04:00

I recently spent time in Boston with Meg, Craig, Amy, and Julia. Julia is the 9 pound human pictured below. Craig and Amy birthed Julia earlier this summer and now she does most of the chores around the house, like create messes, cry, and spend money. Before, that was Craigs job. She's cute.

Done With School, Forever

2006-09-16T19:16:00.000-04:00

Glad to be done.

Me and James

Me Looking A Bit Crosseyed And Not Into The Camera, With Stephanie

Andy, Steph, Chrissie, Coach

Andrea, Avi, Jen, Sohee

Dad, Avi, Mom

Marian, Dan, Bimalka

auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6387/1737/320/IMG_4589.jpg" border="0" alt="" />Dan Looking Less Confused Than Usual

Avi During Graduation, Hot and Dehydrated

Avi And Sherif

pics from across the country

2006-09-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

My Brother Lev and I took a trip from Berkeley/Oakland, CA to Ithaca, NY. It took two weeks. We "camped out" mostly and stayed in Wigwams when they presented themsleves...

Yosemite, Badlands, Rushmore, Grand Canyon, Flagstaff, St. Louis Arch, Cincinatti, Indianapolis, Omaha, Kansis City (Both), Denver, Boulder, Rocky Mtn. National Park, Death Valley, Mt. Whitney, Wind Cave National Park...in no particular order.

Here are some pictures:

The Day It Started...Me With JJ

Lev And I At Petrified National Forest

Yo Semite Falls

Snow In The Summer At Rocky Mountain National Park

A View Of Yosemite...While Hiking To The Top of Yosemite Falls

Yosemite

Finally At The Top Of Yosemite Falls

Lev Pointing Out The Mighty Colorado River In The Grand Canyon

A Gigantic Tree With A Convenient Passage Way For Those Too Lazy To Walk Around

Our Destination

Hanging On For Life

Lev's Looking For Water, It's Right In His Hand

Thinkin On The Hoover Dam

Half Dome In Yosemite

A Sunset In Deather Valley

We Do Not Approve

Me And My Bronze Friends. Statue In Front Of U.S. Olympic Training Center

At A Colorado Rockies Game. Lev Is Mock Eating A Kielbasa

Lev Pretending For A Second That There Is A God

We Stold The Car From A Nice Elderly Gentleman On A Sunday Drive

Dumb Vicious Bird

He's A Quack

I'm Wearing A Pedometer, Can You Tell? I Logged 15000 Steps That Day

Nothing Like A Good Game Of Balderdash With Lev and Dev

Rocky Mountain National Park Is Now Sideways

A Road In The Badlands

The Badlands Never Looked So Good

A Prarie Dog

The Sky In Rocky Mountain National Park

Shadow Of St. Louis Arch

I Will Soon Be The FIth Head Sculpted Into The Side Of Mount Rushmore

Lev Relieving Himself While Driving

The Kentucky Derby, Where Perfectly Healthy Horsed Come To Die

The Vegas

Lev And St. Louis

My Better Half

Elevation: Sea Level. Lev's Hips Don't Lie

The Sky Over Nevada

A Flower In The Berkeley Botanical Garden

Inside The St. Louis Arch

Pimp My Wiener

They Don't Call It Death Valley For Nothing

Will Update Soon

2006-07-01T19:55:00.000-04:00

I will update the blog soon, once I have internet service in my apartment. In the meantime come and visit. 119th and Madison, New York, NY.

Untitled Three

2006-04-07T18:29:00.000-04:00

That's Right...I Said Yurt

2006-04-06T19:18:00.000-04:00

If you don't know what a Yurt is you should. See below....also pics of a cool timber framed house with straw bale walls. These pics were taken on a recent trip with my fellow Eco Hosterllers.

Yurt

Erica, Betsy, Tim, and James Inspect the Compacted Clay/Celulose Floor

Inside the Yurt

Inside the Timber House

A View From the Outside

SoyNica

2006-03-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

It was an amazing time. I traveled to Nicaragua with 4 other Cornellians on a quest to learn more about solar ovens. We hooked up with a group called Grupo Fenix, run by Susan Kinne, who are affiliated with the Universidad Nacional de Ingenieria. Grupo Fenix works on sustainable solar energy initiatives around the country. The town we spent most of the time in was Saban Grande (SG), a sleepy town on a dirt road off the PanAmerican Highway. SG has about 400 families all of whom live in adobe houses with either clay shingle or sheet metal roofs. I stayed with a family of three, all women; my mom Marta and my two younger sisters, Fanny and Ilsa.

During the day, our group would build with community members solar cookers they currently use. We'd also visit womens houses in the community who use solar cookers and listen about their experiences with the cookers. Solar cookers can be a viable alternative to odobe ovens, helping reduce firewood consumption. Cooking with wood can lead to respiratory problems. Also, wood is oftentimes unavailable. Nicaragua has been heavily deforested due to ranching and farming. People are not allowed to cut trees for cooking but must find fallen wood...this as you can imagine is not easy. The hardest hurdle to overcome regarding solar cookers is the social transition that must be made. The cookers are quite able to prepare a variety of foods: chiken, beans, soy, rice, soups, eggs, cakes but using cookers changes how people eat and how they prepare food. Two things that are integral to a culture and socail behavior. Many of the families we stayed with do use the cookers to cook rice and beans but mostly the cookers are used to dry coffee. Much work will be needed to fully integrate the cookers. If nothing else the cookers will somewhat reduce the amount of wood needed. A staple of the Nicaraguan diet is tortilla, something the box cooker cannot make.

The first day we spent in Nicaragua we went to the Parque Nacional Volcan Masaya (Masays Volcano National Park). It was spectacular...a volcano you can actually stand at the rim and look down into. I had never seen this before...apparently there are only a few active volcanos in the world where this is the case. After a full day hiking around the volcano we went to the town of Masaya for a trip to the market and a true Nicaraguan meal, Indio Viaja (Old Indian), along with some beans rice and fried plantains...tasty. That night we bunked up with our families in Managua...there were four in my family, Mom Dad and two little siblings. Alonso, my dad, is a geologist who works for the Managua water department (i think...my spanish is rusty). The kids were happy to play with us and did some great choreographed dances to Nicaraguan pop music...at one point an 8 year old boy was grinding on a nine year old girl....i think they get Latin MTV.

The next day we visited Grupo Fenix on the Universidad Nacional de Ingenieria campus and met with a couple researches...namely Leondro and professor whos work is in chemistry and drying foods. He came with us to Saban Grande as well to learn more about how they use the cookers and solar driers.

My nights in Saban Grande mostly consisted of a meal (usually rice, beans, vegetables, and possibly and egg and fruit juice)...a shower under the stars, and either talking on the porch with my sister Ilsa or watching La Tormenta with my mom and sister Fanny. I tried to speak as much spanish as I could with them...

Reason Number 12, Why I Believe in Intelligent Design

2006-03-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

Below, reproduced verbatim from the NY Times Magazine (Sunday, March 12), is an interview with Harvey Mansfield (HM). Quite possibly one of the most ridiculous human beings ever to take air off this earth.

OF MANLINESS AND MEN
Interview by DEBORAH SOLOMON (DS)
Interludes by AVI GUTER (AG)

DS: As a staunch neoconservative and the author of a new feminism-bashing book called "Manliness," how are you treated by your fellow government professors at Harvard?

HM: Look, if I only consorted with conservatives, I would be by myself all the time.
AG: That may not be a bad thing. Harvey, think about it. With all that alone time you wouldn't have to associate with all those incapable, inferior women.

DS: So your generally left-leaning colleagues are willing to talk to you?

HM: People listen to me, but they don't pay attention to what I say. I should punch them out, but I don't.
AG: "I'm Harvey Mansfeild, I do what I want." Let's be honest. Have you seen yourself lately? Just because your arthritic hands don't open up doesn't mean you've made a fist.

DS: In your latest book, you bemoan the disappearance of manliness in our "gender neutral" society. How, exactly, would you define manliness?

HM: My quick definition is confidence in a situation of risk. A manly man has to know what he is doing.

DS: Hasn't technology lessened the need for risk taking, at least of the physical sort?
AG: Deborah, here's where you and I disagree. I was playing Wolfenstien, the Nazi killer video game the other day. I don't know about you but that's risk. I was litterally in hand to hand combat with a real leather booted Nazi...my health was down to 2...I barely managed to escape...that is risk Deborah.

HM: It has. But it hasn't removed it. Technology gives you the instruments, and social sciences give you the rules. But manliness is more a quality of the soul.
AG: I thought that was morality, not manliness? You got your "m's" confused Harvey.

DS: How does someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger stack up?

HM: I would include him as a manly man.
AG: You sure he's not a girly man?

DS: But doesn't he exemplify the sort of man whose overdeveloped muscles are intended to mask feelings of insecurity?
AG: Deborah, do you want Arnold to kick the shit out of us here...I'm not going to be on your side if you keep insulting the Terminator.

HM: Yes, but then he stepped up to become governor of California. He took a risk with his reputation.

DS: What about President Bush? He's a risk taker, but wouldn't his penchant for long vacations be a strike against him?

HM: I wouldn't say industriousness is a sign of manliness. That's sort of wonkish. Experts do that.

DS: What about Dick Cheney?

HM: He hunts. And he curses openly. Lynne Cheney is kind of manly, too. I once worked with her on the advisory council of the National Endowment for the Humanities.
AG: You just called Lynne Cheney a man. Dick has a dude for a husband and a daughter that wishes she were a dude...there's a lotta dick in that family.

DS: In your book, you say Margaret Thatcher is an ideal woman, but isn't she the manliest of all?

HM: I was told by someone who visited her that she is very feminine with her husband.

DS: Why is that so important to you in light of her other achievements?

HM: We need roles. Roles give us mutual expectations of what is either correct or good behavior. Women are neater than men, they make nests, and all these other stereotypes are mostly true. Wives and mothers correct you; they hold you to a standard; they want to make you better.
AG: I'm pretty sure your mom wishes she hadn't even made you...let alone try to make you better.

DS: I am beginning to wonder if you have ever spoken to a woman. Your ideas are so Victorian.
AG: Good call Deborah. The Victorians did make some nice houses though...so let's try to lay off the Vics.

HM: I have a young wife who grew up in the feminist revolution, and even though she is not a feminist, she wants to benefit from it. I wash the dishes, and I make the bed.

DS: How young is she, exactly?

HM: She's 60. I'm 73.
AG: You dog you.

DS: Were you sorry to see Harvard's outgoing president, Lawrence Summers, attacked for saying that men and women may have different mental capacities?
AG: What do you think Deborah? I'm pretty confident Harvey thinks women have no mental capacity.

HM: He was taking seriously the notion that women, innately, have less capacity than men at the highest level of science. I think it's probably true. It's common sense if you just look at who the top scientists are.
AG: I'm puttin you up there Harvey...I like you. I wonder who would win in a fight though. You or Darwin?

DS: But couldn't that simply reflect the institutional bias against women over the centuries?

HM: It could, but I don't think it does. We have been going a couple of generations now. There are certain things that haven't changed. For example, in New York City, the doormen are still 98 percent men.
AG: I think that's because doors are still 98 percent closed. They don't open themselves you know? What was your point here anyway?

DS: Yes, but fewer jobs depend on that sort of physical brawn as society becomes more technologically adept. Physical advantages are practically meaningless now that men are no longer hunter-gatherers.

HM: I disagree with that.
AG: You would.

DS: When was the last time you did something that required physical strength?
AG: Deborah, he had sex with a woman that is 13 years his junior last night...give him some credit.

HM: It's true that nothing in my career requires physical strength, but in my relations with women, yes.
AG: See, I told you Deborah.

DS: Such as?

HM: Lifting things, opening things. My wife is quite small.
AG: You're tellin' me Harvey.

DS: What do you lift?

HM: Furniture. Not every night, but routinely
AG: That reminds me, Harvey I've been meaning to ask you, I think my couch would look better on the far side of the living room, you know by the bay window...are you going to be around this weekend?

I Protest, I Dj, I Hockey, I Like Mustard

2006-03-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since i've last blogged...I live in slow motion, so it takes me longer than most to cull enough stuff to make a post worthwhile. In the meantime, things have happened. I protested Hillary Clinton for being a pro-war democrat, drank mustard like it was nector from the Sun God Ra, and DJ'ed like (insert simile here).

First, the protest. Apparently, Hillary is being a douche bag and the socialists are fed up with her pro-war, pro-death penalty stances. I'm not a political person. I had no agenda other than to protest. This was my first protest but it sure as hell won't be my last. Have you every protested? It's amazing. You really feel like you changing the world, one rap/chant at a time. I hear Wegmans beats their chikens?! Nevermind that they slaughter them, it's the beating we've got to stop. Back to DB Hillary...the protest included some good ole protest standards including "Hey Hillary get off it, this wasr is for profit. War, and occupation will never bring liberation!!" and "Hillary, Hillary where you at, we're sick of pro-war democrats!" Me being so poor at remembering lyrics, I had to ask one of the Socialists to write them down for me. Thanks.

Where did Harry meet Sally? Who cares. Below is a picture of me at Katz's delicatessen downing a bottle of spicy grade A deli mustard. The kind meant for corned beat sandwhices. And that's exactly what I had. It was glorious.

Also below, some pics of my DJ booth at WVBR. We have a few broken mic's, outdated computers, and not enough CD's but we managed to carve up enough money to recarpet the place...good thing we have that short pile industrial carpet now.

"What should I get? The pickled garlic sausage...or..."

My stroll through Central Park

Carnegie Tower, a building one of my professors designed.

Nine Ways To Celebrate Presidents Day

2006-02-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

- Pardon a friend.

- Exacerbate an already tense political situation in a country with an ongoing civil war by sending in troops and crashing Black Hawk helicopters.

- Nominate your very best friend with little experience to an important position affecting millions of people in times of disaster.

- Feign sadness to friends as they tell you about their troubles on the assembly line (bite lower lip).

- Have speech writer prepare all responses for your daily conversations.

- Have lunch with the president of China. When he picks up a fork to finish his rice, demand that he use chopsticks.

- Give commencement address and receive honorary degree from university of choice...even if you couldn't get into that college in the first place.

- Eat at a restaurant, veto the bill.

- Paint a room in your house blue. When people ask to talk with you, tell them to wait in the blue room.

Back In The Day

2006-02-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

Avi the artist.

Avi the gardener.

Avi the relaxer.

I may paint butterflies but I can play ball too. Notice that Lev swung... yet the ball is still on the tee.

Untitled Two

2006-02-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

Untitled

2006-02-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

Not A Fortune

2006-02-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually one to argue but when it's a matter of my future, I take things a little more seriously. I eat chinese food. I started out eating chinese food not for the noodle soups or woked bok choy or heaping portions of ginger but becuase at the end of each meal you are promised a fortune. Gradually, I began to appreciate food and I started to eat chinese food not for the fortunes but for the orange glazed duck and for the whole steamed sea bass and for the dim sum. The fortunes came and went. Lately though, the fortunes haven't been fortunes at all. Let's take tonights cookie. "A wise man knows everything a shrewd one, everbody." Sure, that's great advice but it doesn't lie in the realm of fortune.

A fortune at the end of a good chinese meal is a plus but not a requisite...it's not that I even take fortunes from a cookie seriously...although I did at one point...for six years until I was 12 I kept a little sliver of paper in my back left pocket reading "You will be unusually successful in business." It never came true. And do I hold that against the cookie? No. What I do however hold against the cookie is its blatent misrepresentation to the world. Take some of these "fortunes" i've received in the past year.

- "The night life is for you." I recieved this fortune at a buffet somewhere in Ohio about a year an a half ago...I let this one slide. After this, they went downhill.

- "Whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, it can achieve." I don't think so

- "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." Thanks

- "A kiss can beautiful souls, hearts, and thoughts." This doesn't even mean anything

- "You are sociable and entertainig." Flattery doesn't work buddy

- "You are talented in many ways." Still not working

- "Never bring unhappy feelings into your home." I wouldn't have to if this had been a fortune

- "Try a new system or different approach." I'm gonna let this slide too. It's not a fortune...but it's a little more specific in a general sort of way.

- "Diligence and modesty can raise your social status." I'm pretty sure this is just plain false

- "You need only to understand that it is not necessary ti understand but only enjoy." Ti?

- "It is time for you to explore all those new interests." That's a demanding cookie

- "The road to knowledge begins with the turn of the page." There was nothing on the back

To be fair, I did recieve some actual fortunes:

- "You simplify your life in many ways and find great rewards." Didn't happen, but at least it's a fortune

- "A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this month." Also didn't happen.

- "Your present plans are going to succeed." I have no plans.

Finished Product

2006-02-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

My Soup, It Bounced

2006-01-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

Ext: Corner of College and Oak, winter, clear skies
Int: Bustling bagel shop, CTB.

After paying at the register, I took my soup and stood by the counter waiting for my Mexian bagel to arrive. The Mexican bagel consists of a bagel, topped with jalepeno cream cheese, fresh salsa, and melted Cheddar. The whole sandwhich is then melted. It's good. This isn't about the Mexican bagel though, it's about my garden vegetable soup. I'm positioned near the counter in CTB where the finished bagel sandwhiches are doled out. It's important to note that Ithaca is a small town but when the whole town is packed into one medium sized room, it gets crowded. Standing near the pickup counter in CTB is like standing next to one of those trucks you see in war torn nations that ally forces are perched on handing out shoes and fresh water. Granted, I've never been to a war torn nation and experienced this but i've seen pictures. My soup is in my left hand, my weak hand, stupid Avi. I'm fending off people, getting bounced around, pushed to my side, stepped on, et cetera. When suddenly, a girl walks by and brushes my left hand and the soup that's in it. Time stops. My soups life flashes before its eyes.

Cut to: Soups point of view
Int: swishing vegtables in a liquidy broth

Ahh, those days in the garden with the sun beaming down, fresh water, plenty of nutrients. That life is no more. I have spent the last week in a box and just yesterday I was chopped, minced, boiled, seasoned and simmered...i'm barely a shadow of what I once was. Once I hit the ground, that's it. Not only was I killed, but i was killed in vain. I was killed just to be splattered on someones torn up tennis shoes. I can't even have the satisfaction of scolding someones mouth.

Cut to: Avi's point of view
Time stops for me as well. As the soup dangles in the air I don't make a move towards it. Trying to catch boiling soup was not on my agenda for the day. The only thing running through my mind is "I hope they replace my soup for free." I repeat it almost like a mantra. The soup lands hitting a booted foot that doesn't even notice the impact. I invision an explosion of pathetic proportions. I'm let down. Nothing happens. My soup, it bounced.

Me?

2006-01-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when I eat corn and then shit it out, perfectly preserved. I feel like a mule for corn farmers. This thought was inspired by the movie "Maria Full of Blow." It's a sad, tender movie about the exploitation, hopelessness, and hope of poor Columbians.

Full Of Ice

2006-01-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

My freezer is literally frozen. Completely full of ice. There's just about enough room to keep my tomales.

It's A Stadium

2006-01-21T23:21:00.000-05:00

Why I Believe In Intelligent Design

2006-01-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

I Don't.

Avi on Child Labor, Uncomfortable Positions, and Handmade Pottery

2006-01-15T16:57:00.000-05:00

Today is Sunday. I woke up at 9:45...tired, awake, warm, wanting to urinate. Usually on sundays, I wake up feeling unproductive and helpless. Lying in bed, maybe staring at a crack on the ceiling or on my side wondering who invented pho wood panneling made from wood. I am incapacitated. Realizing everything I didn't complete last week, wasn't completed, and most likely won't be...maybe ever. I just add it to that list that I don't keep of everything left unfinished. Then I turn on the radio, hoping i'm up in time to catch the third half of Car Talk or Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. My apathy and frustration with myself quickly subsides. I am up. Ready to shower, brush my teath, do anything life might send my way...that is if it includes showering or brushing my teeth. I swallow my blood pressure meds with a quick shake of my head, ready to conquer (if you have the CD Deadly Sting by Scorpions play "Wind of Change" now) small conquerable things like my hunger. Today, luckily my parents are coming to town. They shall take me out to lunch/brunch and we shall feast on lunch/brunch type foods. I tidy up my apartment, flat they call it, pushing clothing and bags and news papers closer to the walls. Picking up books and putting them on my desk or chair. I rinse out one or two dishes in the sink and make sure there isn't more than one ring lining my toilet. OK, now if I die, people will see my apartment and think to themselves...yeah, Avi, he was pretty put together, nothing cluttering the floor, his toilet is clean but for one lone ring...dishes mostly clean. I live always prepared to die, not emotionally but my tangibles are all in place: Lev - all my leather goods, most of my clothing, and IPOD, Parents - car, pictures, Friends - whatever is left over. I won't die today though. I don't think. I cleaned up my apartment for myself. My parents don't usually come up to my flat. Too many stairs, too many icy stairs, nothing to do once they get here. I meet them at their car which is idiling at the sidewalk. "Where do you want to eat Avi," Barbara says. "How about Maxies Supper Club," she says again not even giving me time to think or respond, fine with me. This is quite possibly the fastest restaurant decision our family has ever made. Today is going to be a good day. Maxies serves American food with a slightly southern, New Orleans tint. The meal is good. They don't have my first choice, a fritada minus the bacon. So I order the Cajun omlete. This still includes andouille sausage. Why did I bother switching in the first place? I start the meal with a cup of gumbo, more sausage. As long as i'm going to eat pig I might as well eat pig. My father, quite possibly the most tedious restaurant orderer ever, makes his drink order as confusing and garbled as possible, making sure he won't get what he wants. Hot chocolate, tea, and decafe please...and sparkling water too. Do you have any juice?...wait, does that juice have pulp? Forget the juice. What teas do you have? Do those have bergamot...do you have supermarket tea? Forget the tea. As the waitor pours water for the table, Marvin exclames he doesn't want any water...confusing the waitor into thinking the whole table doesn't want water. I want water though. Meals are satisfactory, people are happy, Marvin finally obtains all of his drinks and all side orders he has requested. Converstation stears to my parents and brothers recent trip to Florida. My parents bought a place to live when retirment comes along. I am shown pictuers of Marvin and Barb standing in front of their plot, no house yet built. Looking happy, presumably. It's an odd picture. My father has an expression as if he just layed claim to a piece of land in the old west. Except he can't ride a horse, I don't know how he got there but he's there, in front of his piece of land. I update them on my recent trip to Egypt. It was fun. Saw the pyramids. Did you know they eat pigeon? Alexandria has great sea food, it being on the sea and all. Good pita. You should go. Check please. We drive from Maxies to Mickenzy Child so my mom can buy a house warming gift for some frineds who just moved. The ride is nice, excpet I have to pee. Finally, we arrive. For those of you who don't know what Mickenzy Child is, picture all the useless stuff in the world piled into one room, or maybe two. They have enough fake plastic food to feed the entire nation of Togo atop rediculous looking place settings and plates that look like they were desiged by the Cat in the Hat. Odd pieces of unusable furniture are sprinkled about, ottomans, hassoks, chaise lounges minus the lounge. My mom got a nice platter. The ride home was uneventfull to keep in tone with the rest of the day. I was dropped off at my flat curbside. I was given a kiss on each cheak as I leaned into the front seat. "Bye." I think I spent the rest of the day deciding what to have for dinner and listening to episodes of This American Life. I opened up my book, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" for four or so pages before falling asleep, only awakened by my vibrating phone and my brother on the other end. "Can't talk long Avi, I'm getting on a train to the warf for a price fixe chinese dinner with Tony Cho." I had Laotion food.

Chilld Labor: mixed
Uncomfortable Positions: against
Handmade Pottery: no preferance

Four Movies in Three Days, NYC

2005-12-31T22:04:00.000-05:00

Hot soup was my first stop. Chipotle my second. Movie after movie after movie after movie my third. My first two loves in life are movies and food...in no particular order. I don't know too much about either but I appreciate each with an intensity that I don't have towards most things. If I have a spare moment during the day, of which there are many, my thoughts usually turn to what my next meal might be or what movies are playing locally. Being in NYC food and movies are easy to come by. As far as foods go, soup is my favorite. After stoping to order a medium gumbo at a local soup shack, I head to my first pic "A History of Violence." Not knowing much about the movie, lest a few decent remarks by some friends, my first thought was that the movie would literally chronicle the history of violence. I wasn't sure how the movie would do this. Violence must surely be old as time, has violence gotten better or worese? What's to chronicle? The title however refers to the main characters shady sorted past which includes a history of violence. It's a slice of life picture. No real climax or denoumont. Mostly character development, characters being the most interesting thing in the movie. Two great sex scenes make most of the confusing parts of the movie worth while...what is going on? who is this guy? what was this guy? why doesn't his wife know anything about him? why does she look so great in a cheer leader uniform? Why does his wife protect him from the authority? Is the second sex scene out of love? Fear? Why was the directing so unanimously praised?

Movie two: The Squid and The Whale. A good picture. They mention Binghamton University, which is in my fair city, Vestal, NY. You should see it.

Movie Three: Walk The Line. I feel asleep a third of the way through, waking up intermintantly. As far as famous musician movies go I liked Ray better.

Movie Four: Jesus Is Magic. This movie gets a 6.7 on a 10 point scale. For those of you who don't know, this is Sarah Silverman's standupcomici'mawesomemovielookatme. Most of the standup is pretty funny...most of the interloods/skits/songanddance fall short of funny.

Can You Egypt

2005-12-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

An affordable way to spend a vacation: go to a developing nation. The people are nice, food is cheap, people are friendly, and the food is cheap...along with everything else. The first thing that srikes anyone as they enter the country is that Egyptians won't accept their own currency. As you enter the country, before getting your passport stamped, your required to buy a visa, good for 30 days. Thinking ahead, I exchanged some money at JFK. I tried to pay the gentleman who was selling these visas in Egyptian pounds, but he wouldn't budge. "I don't accept Egyptian pounds." He exclaimed, as if I was the one being unrealistic. "Am I in Egypt?" I thought to myself. "Did I go to the wrong country? I guess it's possible, I didn't really check my ticket...come to think of it, the guy next to me on the plane kept talking about how great the food is in the Philipines." As I suspected I did in fact fly to Egypt...and finally agreed to pay the man in U.S. Dollars. The second thing your likely to notice after you've officially entered the country is that there are no traffic laws...or laws of any sort. The first time you enter a vehicle in egypt may be the last time you enter a vehicle. And if you're lucky enough to exit the car, via the door, and not through the windshield or out the door without first opening it with your hands you may just consider walking everywhere else you have to go...or riding a camel or the more common donkey.

Release of Energy

2005-12-05T23:09:00.000-05:00

Finals are almost done...one last hurrah

Some CEO's, CFO's, and Secretary Ho's

What time is is?

Marian contemplates the fact that maybe she shouldn't have finished an entire pitcher of beer herself.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

Here's a short list of things i'm not thankful for:
tunes you can't hum to, writing when your hands are cold, poorly made coffee, remembering things, canadian quarters, jello, not being able to sneeze, small talk, big talk, cold soup...unless it's supposed to be cold, short pile carpeting, catching songs you like just at the end, unspreadable butter, lemon wedges you can't squeeze, haircuts, missing previews, artificial sweetner, choosing between paper or plastic, poorly placed toilet paper, button up flies (the only thing Seinfeld and I disagree on), feeling nauseous

The Turkey I Made

Independence Day in CBUS (July 4th 2005)

2005-11-29T23:38:00.000-05:00

Avi rocking out. Courtesy Don Peters...

Places I've Set Foot

2005-11-12T02:33:00.000-05:00

Where have you been? http://douweosinga.com/projects/visitedcountries/

Guster

2005-11-08T00:11:00.000-05:00

They did a great impromtu cover of Kelly Clarkson's "since U been gone" as well as many great covers of their own songs. The last song they played, in their 2nd oncore, was completely without electronic amplification. Well worth it.

View From My Office

2005-11-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures from my window in room 404 Hollister. I'm supposed to be doing my work but usually I just stare outside. The top three pictures were taken in the morning and the last two are at night, after a storm passed through.

Happy Halloween

2005-11-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

The pillsberry dough boy, john belushi, pornstars, dave chapelle...they were all out in full force. I was an 80's prom king with jen, my 80's prom queen.

Books I'm in the Middle of Writing

2005-10-29T20:55:00.000-04:00

Peaches: They're Like Any Other Fruit, Except Furry

Every Rug is an Area Rug

All the Way From Nowhere: A Tale of Polygamy, Dark Chocolate, and Overdue Library Books, Preface by GOD

How to Open Jars

Reincarnation, It's Not Just For Dead People

Never Say Never: How I became a Prostitute

How to Lie and Get Caught

Cappacino, Not Just a Hot Coffee Drink

Why The Industrial Revolution Never Really Took Hold

The De-Evolution of Evolution

A First Hand Account of One Mans Search for Decent Caffeteria Food

The Bible, Prefaces by GOD and Martha Stewart

The Decline of Booths in Restaurants

How to Wash Spoons and Not Get Water Everywhere!!

An Introduction To Earth

Home Improvement (October 26 2005)

2005-10-27T00:30:00.000-04:00

Constantly runing toilet, leaky roof, frigid temps...It's a fixer upper.

WVBR Goes Garlic (October 22 2005)

2005-10-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

Today, WVBR had a remote broadcast from Ithaca's farmers market. The garlic festival was in full swing by the time WVBR showed up. Men in stilts pranced around in garlic suits, garlic bread saturated the air, and garlic soup was served to warm the chill out of the cold ithaca fall day. As I walked around sampling garlic eats I made quick friends with one of the vendors who let me use her mortar and pistol to mash garlic cloves for a spread she was making (basil, olive oil, garlic). Besides garlic, hot cider, corn fritters, samosa, cambodian food, hot chocolate, breakfast burritos, and cuban sandwhices, gigantic carrots, and celeriac, WVBR was blasting out the tunes the only way we know how.

Avi On Ice (October 20 2005)

2005-10-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

It took me about 35 minutes to put all the shit on...by that time the game had already started...I had to skate out on the ice in the middle of a period...the game stoped just so I could shimmy my way across the rink. Once I got going though, I was unstoppable, mainly because I was on ice, and there's no way to stop. Surprisingly, I only fell once. The fact that I had a hockey stick to use as a third leg helped tremendously. I'm number 15.

Cooking With the Sun (October 20 2005)

2005-10-20T23:42:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's possible, no, I've never done it. Below are some pics of our solar oven. So far we've only done parametric testing, no food yet...by the end of the semester we hope to have a design we can ship over to Morocco.

Going to Boston (October 7 2005)

2005-10-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

Recently, I spent the weekend in Boston. I visited OSU friends Craig and Amy as well as Meg B from Vestal. We had a fucking blast. Weekend activities included: Sam Adams brewery tour (or should I say Paul Revere Beer), Freedom Trail, Mikes Italian Pastries, The Aristocrats (a must see), The Big Dig Bridge, a walk through cambridge (I think I saw natalie portman...she said she wants to have my baby) and I ate some wicked awsome Boston Schrod.

Hiking the Finger Lakes Trail (September 23 2005)

2005-09-23T01:12:00.000-04:00

Dan Abelson and I spent a weekend hiking the 17 mile Darby Creek section of the FLT. To our surprise, the creeks along the trail were completly dried up...that was a problem. Luckily, we found a group of boy scouts, who took care of us. If it wasn't for their local knowledge of hydrous plants and Dan's seemingly endless supply of peperoni and peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches we surley would have perished in the backwoods of Ithaca.

Carol and Bruce Get Married (Septermber 4 2005)

2005-09-04T02:25:00.000-04:00

It was good to get back to Ohio and see some OSU friends. Canfield Ohio is the location of this very special gathering where we celebrated the sacred union of Carol and Bruce Shaffer. The first of my friends to get married. I caught the garter!!

Looking for the Monarch (August 31 2005)

2005-08-31T11:07:00.000-04:00

Megan M and I spend several days in the Ithaca outback scouring branches, trees, leaves, and even moss pathces for the ever elusive monarch butterfly in it's larval stage...alas, no larva. We did however capture pictures of a millipede (maybe a centipede?) and a cricket (or possibly a grasshopper?).

Living In Ithaca (August 29 2005)

2005-08-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

I've got a place all to my own now in college town Ithaca...feel free to come and visit, the left side of my bed is always open.

NYC (August 19 2005)

2005-08-19T23:38:00.000-04:00

Ryan, Morgan and myself drove down to the city to visit Katie, Liz, Sarah, Dan, Manoj, John, and Jessie. We hit up the UCB, some restaurant Leonardo DiCaprio ate at the week before, the new MOMA, and the movie Grizzly Man (see it if you haven't). On the way home we hit up Krispy Kreme hard core!

Sexico (August 8 2005)

2005-08-08T18:50:00.000-04:00

In the land of plenty, there was more than enough. Joal, Lev, Joe, and myself took a vacation in the cultured, historic, and rich land that is Mexico City. We toured the historic center of the city and by chance found two lovely Mexican girls to guide us through the labyrinth of small cobbled roads and translate menus. Food vendors lined the streets by day and served everything from fresh squeezed orange juice to rotisarie chicken to tacos. It's all good if you don't care to question sanitary conditions. I'm happy to report noone got violently ill and Joe mysteriously received his cocoa beans via an odd taxi ride. The party didn't stop there. Mexico City wasn't enough for this dynamic squad of awkward americans...we headed down to Acapulco, the self proclaimed capital of Sex, Drugs, and House. Yes, House...ooh and wicked long water slides.

100 Miles of Wilderness with Nothing Around but a Burger Shop and French Canadian High School Girls Everywhere (Ausust 1 2005)

2005-08-01T02:38:00.000-04:00

Ryan, Lev, Joal, and myself treked through the wildes of Maine on the AT in search of solitude, love, good views, blisters, and damp clothing. I think we acheived most of them. The AT is a special place, one where the rest of the world is but a distant memory. All that matters is when your next meal is and if the trail ahead is steep. After an intense first day of hiking Lev and Joal decided they rather find solitude and love elsewhere...they hitchiked off the trail, morning of day three. Ryan and I were left to finish the job...and we didn't. The AT beat us too. Originally, 100 miles was our goal in five days. After a slow first day though, this became unrealistic. We ended up cutting off the last 20 miles, which sadly, included Mt. Katadin...we'll leave that for another day.

If You Can't Take the Heat...Shave Your Head (June 11 2005)

2005-06-11T00:22:00.000-04:00

...and Lev did just that.

Avi Get's Beat by a Girl, What's New? (May 14 2005)

2005-05-14T00:19:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture from Race for the Cure, Columbus Spring 05.

Do You Peru

2005-03-18T01:05:00.000-05:00

Crazy good times. Lev, Poorani and myself headed south for spring break to visit Sam Young. Sam is Peace Corpsing (PC) for dos anos in Peru imparting his vast knowledge of I-banking, bankruptcy, and large scale debt reduction on the small village of Shupluy, population 147. Sam was placed in the business section of the PC and is doing what he can to infuse an economic structure and spark business. So far he's about 0 for 5000...but that's not quite his fault. With a town of less than 200 there's only so much you can do regarding business, and so much happens to be nothing. In this regard Sam reads over a 1000 pages a week, plays soccer and volley with the kids, teaches english to unwanting students and hangs out with his PC buds whenever he can.

When we first arrived in Peru we stayed in Lima for a night and then left the next morning for Huaraz, the capital of the state Sam is in, where Lev promply got as many bags stolen from him as possible. After an 8 hour bus ride, 2 dubbed movies, and 1 game of bingo later we arrived in the picturesque city of Huaraz situated in the cordia negras high up in a mountain valley. After a meal, some Inca Cola and a churroz we layed down in our hostel beds and said good night to Huaraz. The next day we made our way to Shupluy where we stayed for the next 3 days. This was by far my favorite time in Peru. I have never spent extended periods of time with native peoples of any country. It was great opportunity to see how people live and work, not the glitsy glam hotel experience of a normal vacation. We were able to interact with most of the town. Everyone in Sams town in muy tranquilo, for better or worse...nothing seems to get done, but nonone worries and most people are content. We played volleyball and soccer with the towns kids, sat in on an english class, and got to practice our spanish. Apparently, i'm on a 1st grade spanish speaking level...although even the first graders had to correct my speach. Sams mom is great and makes amazing food on very limited kitchen equipment. Soups, quinoa, tortillas, papas fritas, rice...she cooked up a storm. During the days at Sams site we took some day hiking trips including one in Mt. Huascaran national park and one that ended up taking us oven a zipline. After Sams site we headed up north with a bunch of PC'ers (i mentioned lev got his bag stolen...in it were our plane tickets to Machu Pichu...needless to say we didn't go there) so we vacationed on the beach with about 20 PC volunteers. This was alos a great time because we got to learn a ton about Peace Corps on a very candid intimate level. Well, after almost loosing lev to the pacific ocean and some great ceviche we headed back to Lima and the U.S. We would like to thank Sam and his host family for being so kind.

Just the Facts (Febuary 28 2001)

2001-02-28T08:20:00.000-05:00

Fact #1: there's nothing i can't do with saran wrap
Fact #2: My favorite brand of headphones are SONY
Fact #3: I've never broken a bone
Fact #4: I don't like to write on paper, i prefer a chalk board or writing with my finger in the sand
Fact #5: My favorite way of consuming food is by pureeing it and then just drinking the mixture
Fact #6: I'm partial towards cement sidewalks because i find them "non-threatening"
Fact #7: I lost my palm pilot and now keep all of my addresses on a "piece of paper"
Fact #8: When i'm weight lifting i try not to lift more weight than i weigh
Fact #9: I weigh 172 pounds
Fact #10: My favorite color is blue but i'm partially color blind so i'm never quite sure if i'm seeing blue
Fact #11: My favorite noodle is the rice noodle (thank you mo for turning me on to them)
Fact #12: My favorite body part is my eyelid (they happen to be really thin so when i close them and look into a light i see red...although again since i'm color blind i'm not sure if its red)

Fact #13: My favorite phase of the moon is a waning gibbous
Fact #14: Squares are my favorite shape for an ice cube (wow squares you say....aren't those two dimensional, don't you mean cubes....no i mean squares) p.s. thank you Lev
Fact #15: I have a fatal addiction to snood
Fact #16: Gauss' law is my least favorite electricity law
Fact #17: Average time it takes me to walk to my first class - 9 minutes
Fact #18: linoleum is my favorite floor surface as well as good word for hang man
Fact #19: I like the Beatles, weezer, Blink one hundred and eighty two, Dash board confessional (is dash board one word?), Jimmy Eat World...it just takes some time little girl you're in the middle something something something...does anyone know those words
Fact #20: Movies i need to see - swingers, spinal tap and waiting for Guffman
Fact #21: >:( i just made up that face
Fact #22: if it takes more than 3 minutes to do it's probably not worth doing
Fact #23: Fact 23 was in a car accident this past weekend and is unable to appear on my website...don't worry she'll be back soon
Fact #24: My favorite emotion is rage
Fact #24: My favorite emotion is rage
Fact #25: The left side of my space bar key is worn down more than the right
Fact #26: i once got addicted to Nicorette gum and had to start smoking cigarettes to quit
Fact #27: Pepperidge Farm cookies are of far better quality than Gateway Computers...you may say i'm comparing "cookies and computers" and how can i do that...well get your own damn website you can write whatever the f%*k you want...its great
Fact #28: Fact #26 isn't so true

Fact #29: I would have to say stall three is my favorite, it's almost exactly the same as stalls 1, 2 and 4 but for some reason its just so much better
Fact #30: I don't like my thumbs because they are always in opposition of all my other fingers
Fact #31: Sometimes when i look into the air i think i can see the molecules of nitrogen and oxygen flying around
Fact #32: My favorite non-natural hair color is hot green
Fact #33: Something to think about the next time you go driving a car - studies have shown that gasoline powered cars emit "carbon monoxide" a gas which has been shown to contribute to the destruction of the Ozone layer (a protective layer which allows you to wear less sun block)
Fact #34: It is my belief that certain sun block companies such as "Block Them Rays" and "Sun Stay Away" have started "pro-driving gasoline powered car" campaigns to increase carbon monoxide emissions thereby selling more sun block thereby getting more money....they decision is up to you, make the right choice

Fact #35: Sunflower seeds are the least filling snack ever
Fact #36: i was walking down the sidewalk the other day and i felt a warm spot...it kinda felt like someone urinated in the air
Fact #37: Position i play in coed intramural slow pitch softball - catcher
Fact #38: Number of times i've been up to bat - three
Fact #39: Number of times i've ripped the ball and new asshole - three
Fact #40: Conclusion - Avi rules at coed intramural slow pitch softball
Fact #41: So i fell asleep in Economics class the other day...the girl sitting next to me accidentally bumped me with papers she was holding in her hand and woke me up...as i looked up, confused and dazed, i thought she was handing me the papers to pass around so i proceeded to take them out of her hand...she told me to go back to sleep....i did...

Fact #42: There's no such thing as a free lunch....unless of course it is a free lunch
Fact #43: i have retired the phrase "so be it" from my vocabulary
Fact #44: When i grow up and have a family and a house i'm going to buy metal sporks for silverware

Fact #45: in 2040, if i did my math right, i'm going to be 57 years old
Fact #46: My favorite country that i've never been to is INDIA
Fact #47: Best subject to study while heavily intoxicated is calculus I II or III....not only does it make the pain go away but then you have an excuse to take the tests drunk
Fact #48: Favorite part of a women's body - the naked part, whichever one that may be at the time

Fact #49: I have an infinite supply of nothing...so if you don't need anything i've got it
Fact #50: I don't think anyone goes to my website anymore
Fact #51: I will from now on spell shop and center the English way
Fact #52: Shoppe, Centre
Fact #53: why are the scrolly things always on the right
Fact #54: I think the best way to deal with fear is to fear it...that way you won't mess around with it and get all fucked up
Fact #55: Anagram for Avi Asher Guter = Suave Ear Girth
Fact #56: Note - Fact #55 is thanks to Nilesh Patel....a.k.a Lethal Snipe
Fact #57: I like cows....and by cows i mean manatees
Fact #58: no one ever wants to play monopoly because they say it takes to long....i hate that

Fact #59: I dyed my hair brown but since my hair is brown it didn't look like it was dyed...do i still get credit for dying my hair
Fact #60: When the movie "About a Boy" comes out it will mark the first time i have ever read a book before seeing the movie
Fact #61: Frankly i don't think frosted flakes could get much better
Fact #62: This is a great way to get my views and opinions out there into the world
Fact #63: One time i was writing on a piece of paper and i was misspelling words left and right...i kept expecting spell check to kick in and put red lines under the misspelled words....then i remembered
Fact #64: Why is it that post cards don't come with any post?
Fact #65: Fact #64 is the first fact with punctuation

Fact #66: If you stand really close to a wall you can convince yourself that it's the floor and that you are hovering horizontally inches off the ground...its great
Fact #67: My lowest score in virtual mini-golf is 27 on par 48 (link at bottom)

Fact #68: I'd consider myself a bit of a Zionist...i'm a big fan of Hebrew national hotdogs
Fact #69: Spiderman isn't a great movie because of the great script because it doesn't have one, it's not a great movie because of the stellar actors because it doesn't have any and its not a great movie because of the fantastic special effects because there are none, it's a great movie because...oh wait maybe it's not a great movie

Fact #70: I love the sound my computer makes when i empty my recycle bin
Fact #71: I love the sound of crumpling paper
Fact #72: My lowest score on virtual mini golf is 24

Fact #73: Humans are man made

Fact #74: I just found out today that i am a "tactile learner" so from now on i am ordering all my books in brail

Fact #75: I found out today that i can't read brail
Fact #76: As of now i have had 189 Chipotle Burritos (now = nueve de mayo)
Fact #77: Terrycloth is my favorite material...i wonder why there aren't more clothes made out of it...you wouldn't have to dry off after you got out of the shower you could just put your terrycloth pants and shirt on
Fact #78: I'll be honest i've been experimenting with some chemicals since i've been here at college, i'm trying out new shampoos and bar soaps
Fact #79: I think a homeless woman was hitting on me today...i'm kinda flattered but i think she was using me to get to my house

Fact #80: I'm bringing back Velcro shoes in a bad way

Fact #81: I'm afraid of heights....i like widths better

Fact #82: I bought multi purpose paper the other day...i still can't figure out the other purpose
Fact #83: i think the greatest inequality in the world is 798 > (64/2)
Fact #84: This web page would still suck if it weren't for Lucian
Fact #85: I find as a general rule that when i walk faster i get places faster and when i walk slower i get places slower

Fact #86: i hate all animals with hair....except for mammals
Fact #87: i always wonder when i'm eating Fritos how loud it sounds to other people because man it's deafening inside my head
Fact #88: if we had eight hour days i'd be three times older

Fact #89: Best line in Episode II attack of the clones: "I don't like sand" - Anican Skywalker

Fact #90: I like any movie that features pogo sticks (e.g. tremors)

Fact #91: Doritos are cornflakes but cornflakes are not Doritos
Fact #92: I played soccer when i was younger and my position was goalie...they called me the "Brick Wall" not so much because i was good but because i didn't move

Fact #93: All the lights in my house burned out once so my parents bought all new light bulbs...they thought it would be a good idea to get fluorescent lights....instead they accidentally got tanning bed lights so now i can only stay in my house fifteen minutes at a time

Fact #94: You know footsie is the only game you can play and not win.....or is everyone a winner
Fact #95: Sometimes i get days and hours mixed up...which would explain why i'm late for a lot of things

Fact #96: I hate when i ask mo the temperature and he gives it to me in SI units....what good is that to me

Fact #97: You know when you get toothpaste on your shirt and then you quickly wipe it off you're like oh phew i got it off but then like 10 minutes later it reappears even brighter than before....what's the deal with that

Fact #98: misstatement of the day: "Austin, i think i got off on your wrong foot" - Avi

Fact #99: I just found out that my mom is in the movie Woodstock....she's one of the chicks who flashes the camera....so don't ask me to watch Woodstock with you

Fact #100: (The Fact you've all been waiting for....at this point i'd just like to thank my sponsors for their support because without them this site would still just be a dream of mine, on that note i would like to send a shout out to Gateway for selling me my lap top for 1500 dollars, Coke for dropping their price from 1 dollar to a more reasonable 90 cents, Kodak for making all those great moments and last but not least PostIt for making a hell of a note).... Now for the moment you've all been anxiously awaiting, Fact number one hundred....well here it is...echem....Kantashi's (a kid that lives on my floor) dad was on the show Iron Chef and beat Iron Chef China in a tie breaker
Fact #101: The secret ingredient was Konnyaku...a jelly type substance

Fact #102: "I went to get a fake I.D. but the guy said i was too young." - Timothy Deland

Fact #103: I saw a glass room with a door and the door had a peep whole in it...now why would you need a peep whole on a door to a glass room

Fact #104: A good way to air-condition yourself while walking outside in the beating sun is to put cold bottles of water underneath your armpits

Fact #105: I'd like to be the president just so i could say "yeah i work out of my house"

Fact #106: Cool thing to do: stand next to a big bush and yell at it as if one of your friends is hiding in there (funniest if people are walking by)

Fact #107:In response to the question "so what is something you've never done and had to pick up quickly" in my interview i wish i hadn't responded "Math this year"

Fact #108: Some corrections Dashboard is one word (thank you meg and Aimee and whoever else told me), also Tim DeLand was spelled wrong in Fact #102 (my apologies)

Fact#109: Things you can't do at a nudist colony: play strip poker, put your wallet in your back pocked, wear clothes
Fact#110: Can you season your food with pepper spray?
Fact#111: Its not obvious at first but reducing fractions is kinda like those fluoride treatments you get at the Dentists office
Fact#112: At work this summer I conditioned myself to hold my breathe for 2 minutes
Fact#113: I heard the other day that shrimp are monogamous...if I were a shrimp and had to stay with my partner for the rest of my life I'd want one of those jumbo shrimp
Fact#114: I'm trying to loose some weight...I'm on this Nuevo diet you have an omelet for breakfast made from fish eggs...they are very tiny omelets, for lunch I have dehydrated lettuce and then for dinner i go to sleep early
Fact#115: People always ask me if there's a god...I don't know what to say them, I guess I should just stop hanging out around monasteries and temples
Fact#116: Towards the end of Elvis's career he died
Fact#117: They say ants can carry 500 times their weight...now how did they get this figure, did they just load up an ant until it smushed...they probably just noticed that ants were carrying these huge leaves but in reality that would be like you or i (assuming you're human) carrying a huge piece of Styrofoam
Fact#118: You'd have to pay me to volunteer

Fact#119: US Air is having a going out of business sale...they are selling all of their planes
Fact#120: Fact#110 is the only "fact" that's not a Fact

Fact#121: I'm selling autographed T-shirts for 8 dollars...for an extra 3 dollars I'll sign someone else's name

Fact#122: If I were president I would make a national "nobody kill anyone" day

Fact#123: Useless item: air freshener for a motorcycle
Fact#124: I'm always worried when I'm writing checks that I won't know how to spell the numbers

Fact#125: I know the periodic table...sometimes
Fact#126: The best thing about a 24 hour urine sample is that you can peepee in your room

Fact#127: I might not have all the answers but I have all the questions

Fact#128: I'd like to see seedless pomegranates...or seedless sunflower seeds...
Fact#129: Is it necessary for jet liners to fly upwards of 30,000 ft. If you ask me, I think the pilots are just showing off
Fact#130: I think the day would go a lot quicker if there were less hours in it
Fact#131: Something to think about the next time you're on the shitter: What if the guy who invented toilet paper weren't alive yet

Fact#132: There are some words that we just don't need, for instance when was the last time you ever used the word tine...or quondam...no not condom, quondam
Fact#133: I think the best cure for insomnia is to sleep it off

Fact#134: If you don't own it, It's probably not yours

Fact#135: If you knee someone in the balls by accident...say sorry
Fact#136: My dietitian told me to drink beer in order to build up my phosphate level...I asked if I could have a prescription for that

Fact#137: A skydiving instructor should never fall asleep on the job

Fact#138: A nanometer stick is very hard to keep track of

Fact#139: The best part about winning is not losing

Fact#140: I like when I drop something in the bathroom and it doesn't fall in the toilet

Fact#141: Thanks to crew I've lost 7 pounds and my will to go on

Fact#142: I think Taco Bell is running out of ideas...I just saw on their sign "Fajita stuffed Burritos"

Fact#143: Man do I love turkey...especially when its dead and cooked

Fact#144: We should all feel very fortunate that we don't have to take History class 900 years from now

Fact#145: I long for the days when math class consisted of telling time and figuring out how many nickels are in a quarter

Fact#146: A good indicator that you might not be going to the best dentist is if he/she wears latex mittens instead of latex gloves

Fact#147: Sometimes the only person I feel like talking to is the little voice inside my head

Fact#148: If you live in Antarctica, drying your clothes by a clothes line is probably not an option

Fact#149: New Years Resolutions decreased by 60% this year

Fact#150: Most depressing thing - pulling out that last tissue from a tissue box

Fact#151: Sometimes when I look at my watch and I see the little hands waving at me I feel like waving back

Fact#152: Discovery of the Millennium: The number Pi is in fact a repeating number. Taken out to 300,000,000,000,000,000,482 decimals, it starts over. Almost guys, almost.

Fact#153: I think the term Guerilla warfare is a little unfair to Guerilla's....I mean, I don't know any Guerilla's that fight wars.

Fact#154: Don't ever buy a thermometer that says "use at room temperature."
Fact#155: 19,645 people slipped today, this number is down from recent weeks.
Fact#156: The next film I make will be a Documentary about making a Documentary.

Fact#157: Putting pockets in bathing suits is a bad idea
Fact#158: Coffee flavored tea is a happy medium for all those tea drinkers who love the smell of coffee
Fact#159: In my house I'd like to have a smellevator

Fact#160: I work better with my shoes on but I think better with my shoes off. It's a conundrum of the highest order.
Fact#161: It's never too late to decide you don't like bowling

Fact#162: In Avish there are no homonyms or silent letters. Every thought, idea, object, verb and adjective (did I miss anything) gets it's own special word. And silent letters just seem like a waste of time.

Fact#163: I feel like teaching a dog to talk is a lost cause.

Fact#164: 19% percent of people who order water at fast food restaurants actually get it
Fact#165: It doesn't matter what time you go to bed, it matters what time you get up

Fact#166: I hate blatant false advertising, such as when you go to a bagel place and they try to pass off a bagel with onion, salt, poppy seeds, and sesame seeds as an "Everything Bagel"...I don't think so...where are the raisons, and the blueberries, and the pumpernickel, and the egg...the list goes on people.
Fact#167: I don't think I'm a loser, I think I just lose a lot

Fact#168: I can get floss in between some of my teeth but I can't pull it out, what's the deal with that...it seems like it should be able to go both ways
Fact#169: I've never felt closer to god....than when we had lunch at Starbucks. I'm pretty sure he had tea...odd huh? I remember asking him...god?...what do you drink?

Fact#170: when I stay in hotels I like to get a high floor in order to raise my potential energy...because let's face it I don't have much potential to begin with, anything helps

Fact#171: I addressed a stamp and tried sending it in the mail...I guess we'll just have to wait and see if my pen pal in Luxembourg gets it

Fact#172: I'm pretty sure the Girl Scouts have gone out of business but someone still seems to be making the cookies...that was the best thing they had going for them anyway

Fact#173: I've constructed a fence on my bed so I don't accidentally wake up on the "wrong side."

Fact#174: If I ever get sent to jail a good gift for me would be soap on a rope.

Fact#175: I hate wet naps. What, are people too lazy to get up and wash their fucking hands?

Fact#176: I walked into Starbucks the other day and ordered a decafe coffee. The cashier gives me this mean look like I killed the last living Panda Bear and says "That's the best you can come up with. We've got three hundred flavors of coffee and that's the best you can do?" I felt bad so I got a regular.

Fact#177: It's not that I don't find Julia Roberts attractive, I think she just has large features...like a big mouth and big ears, she'd be good to date a blind person.

Fact#178: I haven't had my mid life crises yet so it's probably pretty safe to say I've got about 20 more years left in me.

Fact#179: I bet you General Franks is wicked hard to beat in a game of risk.

Fact#180: They say worms are a sexual...but they never finish their sentence...a sexual what?
Fact#181: I was sitting on my couch...taking a shit, when it occurred to me...that I was sitting on my couch taking a shit.
Fact#182: I get nervous when I'm walking around...naked in public. I always think people are staring at me...but really they're just glancing.
Fact#183: When I went to sleep away camp my mom wrote my name in my underwear. If I lose my underwear, you don't have to give it back. I don't expect you to walk around all day with my underwear in the hopes they'll see me.
Fact#184: My hobby is collecting miniature micro-machines
Fact#185: When I went into a bank to withdraw money and they said..."you first need an account." I told them the story of when I went apple picking last fall.
Fact#186: Once, I urinated so long that I fell asleep in the bed that I was peeing in
Fact#187: Actually, I don't wet the bed anymore...I drench it

Fact#188: I hate fluorescent lights because they take so damn long to turn on...it's almost like you're bothering them.
Fact#189: I'm scared of getting brain cancer from using my cell phone too much...so I use someone else's.

Fact#190: Sometimes I look into things a little too deep...some friends got me a windbreaker as a gift, I think they're trying to tell me something.
Fact#191: I came home the other day and there was a picture of me hanging from my door attached with a knife that was stabbed right between my eyes...it's probably nothing.

Fact#192: I think instead of reading my Mechanics of Materials textbook, I'll just wait for the movie to come out.

Fact#193: New favorite TV show - Most Extreme Eliminations, it's on the SPIKE television network...if you thought Iron Chef was awesome, and I know you did, then tune in.

Fact#194: There should be a warning label on warning labels saying you may be warned by something that you don't want to be warned against.

Fact#195: People always say men will never experience child birth...how the fuck do you think we got here

Fact#196: I calculated that I've spent a total of 53 minutes waiting for foam on soda to fizzle down in order to put more soda in the cup

Fact#197: Why do you think glow in the dark light bulbs never took off

Fact# 198: They have wireless everything today, wireless phones, wireless internet...I bought a wireless wire the other day, I don't know where the hell to plug it in
Fact# 199: I went to the eye doctor recently and apparently my eyes are so good that I have to wear corrective lenses to diminish my eyesight...my doctor said that I might have an unfair advantage over the rest of society
Fact# 200: If I ever run out of facts I can just make stuff up

Fact# 201: Did you ever notice that everyone in the porn industry is a Star...they're not Porn Actors, they're Porn Stars. That's reason enough to join...I wanna be a star too!!
Fact# 202: I don't understand how automatic doors came about. I mean were people just like "you know, I'd like to go in that building but if I'm gonna have to open the door I can just go somewhere else." Have we all gotten that lazy?

Fact#203: I'm lazy but I think in a good way. Without me and my lazy friends we'd be without inventions like the Lazy Boy, or drive through windows, or squeezable lemon juice sold in fake plastic lemons, or automatic doors.

Fact#204: If fingernails could talk, and I don't think they can...but if they could, I think they'd choose not to.
Fact#205: I'm going to try to get a job weaving thin strands of wheat into Triscuits.

Fact#206: Who came first the Hen or the Rooster?...My guess is the Rooster.
Fact#207: I hate stairs, because stairs hate me. I was like "stairs, you want to have lunch" and stairs were like...FU, I hate you, why would I want to have lunch with you.
Fact#208: I think I've developed an allergy to Mercury and Lead based paint.

Fact#209: Money doesn't buy happiness, it buys the things that make happiness.

Fact#210: I never tire of getting tired.
Fact#211: The best thing about not having any limbs is that people hardly ask you to do favors for them.

Fact#213: Miniature murals aren't murals at all.

Fact#214: How do you think the movie would have changed if Darth Vator said "Luke I am your daddy."

Fact#215: I quit reading.
Fact#216: I look forward when in the future, watching TV will be like reading a book...painful.
Fact#217: Now, for pleasure I get full release massages...Wait did I just say full release massages, I meant...yeah that's what I meant.
Fact#218: I made probability history yesterday. I flipped a quarter 623 times and only managed to get 2 heads, the rest were tails.

Fact#219: Good new, I don't have Polio.
Fact#220: I narrowly escaped death the other day when I was almost crushed between a pair of elevator doors upon entry. Luckily, one of the passengers on board the lift was familiar with the button display and promptly executed the "Open Doors" command. A second female passenger courageously stuck her hand between the closing jaws of the mechanical monster and managed to pry the doors open with what seemed like a tremendous feet of superhuman strength. I never got a chance to thank this fearless individuals for their heroic actions. As a token of my appreciation I would like to dedicate this Fact#220 to my guardian angels, whoever you are. Thank You. Without the instinctive actions of these two people my ribcage and skull could have easily been crushed by this OTIS brand Elevator.
Fact#221: How come you never see any exclamation points in the Bible. Were people just not as excited back then. I feel like if I saw some dude split a sea in half I'd be like "Holy Fucking Shit!!"

Headlines (February 27 2001)

2001-02-27T08:24:00.000-05:00

Columbus, OH - Housewife Susan Perchard is concerned that the cork board on her kitchen wall will soon fill up with papers. Two weeks ago she noticed that is was almost impossible to find open spaces for shopping lists and business cards. "I'm just not sure what I'm going to do when it's completely covered....the other day I had to put one of my sons drawing on the refrigerator, with a magnet" Mrs. Perchard has considered buying a larger cork board or possibly just throwing away old papers. In the meanwhile she has resorted to using a manila folder to hold excess materials.

Vestal, NY - Hendrik Milfet and other fourth graders are striking out against binder companies for making half inch binders. "Who are these of use to. Maybe if I want to secure like one piece of paper. But I've got more papers than one." Binder companies aren't taking the threats seriously. CEO Henry Weavers of Binder Inc. told reporters Monday that they will continue to produce the half inch binders. "We have a large demand for this size binder and will not stop making it." He went on to say that Binder Inc. makes a wide range of sizes and people should use whatever they feel is right for them.

NY, NY - PETA is suing the pita company PITA because as PETA spokeswoman Norma Wilshbin puts it "the letters in the name PITA could possibly be construed as People for the Inhumane Treatment of Animals, and we don't want that." Also, pitas can be eaten with lamb and chicken and that's just not right.

Park City, Utah - Man tries to marry blow up doll. Mark Liner 33, purchased a MASTERDATE from Porn Corner three years ago and says he has become "emotionally attached." Mark claims they would make a great married couple but is prohibited by Utah state law to marry "plastic things you blow up yourself." This isn't stopping mark though. He is moving to Vermont where you can marry just about anything. Vermont governor Mike Dotsy says he is very excited to have the first man doll marriage and hopes other states will open up their views on marriage.

Baltimore, Maryland - Painter Ed Raverford famous for his familiar roadside works such as Deer X-ing, Children at Play, Steep Incline, Intersection Ahead and many more died Tuesday afternoon. His car veered off a slippery road down a cliff into a falling rock zone. He is survived by his son Malter who posed as a subject for many of his creations.

Palm Springs, CA - Noris Jones a Palm Springs High School senior noticed Friday that the fade on his faded jeans was fading. Noris purchased the jeans from GAP about one and a half years ago. "They're getting bluer and actually look newer by the day" Noris said as he walked to 8th period Calculus. "People say they're "hella cool" and have a "new look" to them." Noris is thinking about wearing jeans he has from the mid ninety's and seeing if people will notice the difference between faded faded blue jeans and the regular plain old non chemical washed jeans. "This will sure save me a lot of money if I can just wear my old "new Jeans" as I like call them."

Boca Raton, Fla - Ira Rosenblat of Century Village retirement home complains cross word puzzles are getting too hard now a days. "I used to be able to finish the New York Times puzzle in a day or two, now I can't even start it. With such hard clues like "container for a plant (ans. - pot)" Ira believes he will have to head to local papers or maybe even Century Villages own monthly news bulletin puzzle. "They have clues that relate to us...like about medication and terminal illnesses. Last week one of the clues was "What plant when smoked help ease pain for glaucoma patients?"...pot, of course. Ira is trying his hardest as he put it "to stay in the game."

Chapel Hill, N.C. - Max Hogan 24, deposited 25 cents into a gum ball machine Wednesday evening before exiting Greaters ice cream parlor. "I was really hoping for a blue gum ball but I got orange. I was tempted to just give it to my friend and try again but I was worried that I might get red or green and I definitely didn't want one of those." Max and many others routinely go through this same experience. "I wonder if there's any way to make sure what color you will get." Max suggested that maybe some gum ball machines be stocked with only one color." As disappointed as Max was with his gum ball color he says the rest of the night went alright.

Richmond, VA - Parker Rogers says food saved his life. "I've been eating for about 53 years now...I can't imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't." Parker eats three square a day plus little snacks here and there. Snack favorites include thin slices of venison sausage, unsalted peanuts and airheads. "It's almost as though your body runs off food. When I don't eat for a while I feel lacking in energy and drained." Parkers commitment to food exceeds just eating, he's founded a "Food For Life" campaign dedicated to keeping people eating for the rest of their lives. Parker has made flyers and pins highlighting the benefits of eating. "Eat or die" one pin exclaims...well, it's about 12:30 so that is exactly what this reporter is going to do.

Providence, RI - Area man is discouraged that his stamp business is going slow. Blan Shipman local stamp maker is selling stamps in competition with the U.S. government. "No one seems to want my stamps. They say they're useless...I say a stamps a stamp." Mr. Shipman says that if business drops too much he will have to drop the stamp idea and come up with something new. He is thinking of printing his own money. "We need more of that right?"

Evanston, ILL - Raven Mardock 67 years old recently became armless in a freak deli slicer accident. "I'm cutting off 3 lbs. of corned beef for Mrs. Barts and the next thing I see is a deli slicer flying at my face. Some of the guys thought it would be funny to throw it around the place. Well the only thing I can do is shield the rest my body with my arms. So I set down the corned beef and block the slicer from hitting me. After I tell the guys not to throw the thing around while it's still plugged in I turn around to finish off the last half pound for Mrs. Barts. She was getting all cranky with the antics and what not so I'm trying to hurry up with the cutting but before I can say here you are Mam little Bobby hits me over the head with a meat cleaver and shoves my arms into the deli slicer. I'm all for a little light hearted fun at the deli but what I can't stand is people wasting meat. My blood spurted all over Mrs. Barts 3 lbs. I made little Bobby cut her some new slices from a clean piece free of charge. All I'm worried about now is how I'm going to blow my nose. We're coming into flew season you know."

Danville, VA - Michael Fisner, age 36, fears he will never be as good as a machine. Fisner has been let go from three different jobs because he was replaced by machines. Five years ago Fisner started working as a toll booth operator on I 95 but was soon replaced by a basket that drivers could throw their change into. Fisner then found a job in a sweatshop only to be pushed aside by sewing machines. "My last job I thought was failsafe. Finally, I thought to myself, job security. I worked for a mathematician Ed Zwaglord doing adding for him but after six months I was rendered useless by a calculator he bought." Mr. Fisner is trying to piece back together his life but is frequented by bouts of depression. "Every time I walk past a parking meter I think of all the people that lost their jobs because someone thought that a machine could keep track of parking spaces better than a human." Fisner says he won't stop trying. "There's gotta be something I can do better than a machine!" Fisner is thinking of becoming a porn-star/crack-dealer and doing baby sitting on the side to supplement his income.

Jackson Hole, WY - The ISA (International Satisfaction Agency) reports increasing dissatisfaction in satisfaction. "People are just not getting the same satisfaction out of satisfaction as they used to" says Mark Shoots, president of the satisfaction agency. "Americans have been satisfied for so long we're becoming immune. Americans have always had enough food, enough dry towels, enough TV's, enough ping pong tables. Maybe it's time we step back." Shoots suggests that if we starve ourselves of these types of pleasures for a year or two or three it might increase our satisfaction with them when we are reintroduced to them. Shoots is worried that the decrease in satisfaction here in America will lead to, as Mr. Shoots puts it, a global decline. Shoots wants to prevent Americans from bringing down historically satisfied nations such as Australia and Liechtenstein.

Washington, D.C. - The U.S. government says they are quickly running out of phone numbers. Mathematicians from around the world have been conferencing in the nations capital for the past 2 and a half years trying to solve this vexing problem. A low ranking government official Brian Yeager, often referred to by his buddies as Yeager mister, was sitting in his home three years ago and was thinking to himself "hmm I wonder if we're running out of phone numbers." Yeager mister then talked to a high ranking government official who thought about it himself. The high ranking government official then set up a sub-committee which set up a sub-sub-committee of 6,000 mathematicians to work on solving this national crisis. The German mathematician Lars Svednig heads up the sub-sub-committee and says "Ve have made much progress. First ve sought of adding more number to the telephone number but zat vould be too hard to remember. So zen ve came up with ze idea zat ve tought vill revolutionize phone numbers. It was there in front of our face the whole time I can't believe we didn't didn't sink of it sooner.....Negative Phone Numbers! I will give you an example. First you have 775-3412 and now you can have -77-5-(not a negative sign just a dash)34-12....So Simple!" Well kind of. Just don't try to take the square root of them and you'll be fine....somehow I think that joke went better at the mathematics sub-committee.

San Diego, CA - Waiter Joel Brenner notices that he does hardly any waiting at all. "Most of the time I'm on the go. Either pouring water or getting some ones check rung up. There's very little down time, that's why I like it so much. I don't like waiting." During the National Table Waiting Symposium held last August in Reykjavik (also where the waiter hall of fame is located), a vote was cast to rename waiters to "Leavers." Some waiters who attended the meeting think its a great change while others feel like they don't care at all.

London, England - Safety Paper, the worlds first completely safe "paper cut free" paper product had its debut this Monday. Offices around the globe tried out the first ever paper specifically designed to prevent paper cuts with an overwhelming response. "We just love safety paper" says Donna Freely and office assistant at Shmorgis Board INC. "I remember being cut at least three times a day by that evil tree product, now...no more." Safety Paper is made safe by a protective rubber lining that surrounds the whole page. "It's sort of like a rubber band taped around the edges" says company entrepreneur David Shwig. "In fact that's exactly what it is. This is just a beta version, we've only made about 14 pages so far that we distributed to different "paper hungry" companies. Once we figure out a way to mass produce our revolutionary new paper you'll find it in Staples and Office Max just like the other stuff." If your interested you can order your piece of Safety Paper from www.SafetyPaperIsGreat.com. Ms. Freely says she'll never go back to the regular stuff because Safety Paper is so easy to deal with and "user friendly."

Omaha, Nebraska - 14 year old John Burdin says taking shits in school isn't as so bad. "People never take shits in school because they think the bathroom is dirty. But in reality since no one takes shits in school they're quite clean." Burdin's friends think John's crazy but respect him for being able to press his ass cheeks up against such filth.

Johnson City, Fl - Man is buried for seven days and says, "...eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend some quality me time." Burt Chindale was noticed missing six days after he had been buried under a pile of dirt he was burrowing through on a construction site. Wife Susan of 27 years said she didn't notice he was gone until one day she tried to put down the toilet seat and it was already down. "Thank god I needed to use the bathroom. Who knows how long it could have been before I realized my husband hadn't been home in a week." Fellow workers at the construction site said that Burt was one of those guys who stood around and didn't do much so they didn't really notice he was gone. Burt doesn't seem to mind that no one noticed he was gone saying, "I'm actually kind of relieved to see that no one relies on me in this world, it makes me a free man. It'll just give me more time to go fishing and explore my backyard."

Anywhere America, - A chronically depressed hypochondriac overdoses on placebos. Fred Freder a depressed man from somewhere...it doesn't really matter where he was from...was in a control group for a new antidepressant called Zolotrex. Mr. Freder swallowed the whole bottle of placebos after a night of Must See TV on NBC. "I just couldn't take all those happy shows and happy people, I felt so alone" says Freder. After downing the whole bottle Freder felt "nauseous and gassy." Saying, "After taking the whole bottle of pills I knew I was done for. I could feel my innards making their way out...I could feel myself dying." Mr. Freder's doctor, Dr. Mike Lamzadar explained to Fred that he was going to be alright and that the pills were nothing more than sugar tablets. After convincing Mr. Freder that the pills weren't real and that he wouldn't die of an overdose Fred then became depressed over the fact that he was not picked by the medicine company to receive the real drug. "No one ever picks me...I never get picked...for once just someone choose ME!!!" exclaimed Freder.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Man with wig tests positive for drugs. Target manager, Roger Palpison, 24, had a snippet of his hair unknowingly cut from his head during a lunch break. The hair was sent to a lab and tested positive for marijuana and a list of other opiates. Roger claims that since it was not his hair he should be retested by either a blood or urine test to prove he is innocent of these charges. When asked to comment Target executive Barry Worthalot said that Target's no tolerance, one strike your out policy eliminates the possibility of a retest. Mr. Palpison could not believe the ludicrousness of the decision saying "It's a *%#@ing wig...it's not my hair!!...Don't you people understand!?" Mr. Palpison said he started going bald at the young age of 5 1/2 and his head was completely hairless by 10. Roger sent application after application to Locks of Love but he was never chosen by the organization to receive a wig. In a last ditch effort Roger pleaded for help with a Dutch group called Hair for up There. Where they finally gave him the help and hair he needed.

Rawlings, WV - The West Virginia senate recently passed a bill that makes talking in libraries a punishable offense. If found bantering with others or simply murmuring to ones self, jail time of up to 36 months can be ticketed to the offender at the discretion of the librarian. Talking in libraries has been on the rise according to a study published last year in the journal "Quiet Time" noting that since 1970 talking has increased 43%. Librarians in WV lobbied in support of the bill. A rally was held last Saturday before the bill was signed with librarians holding up signs, rather than chanting, that said "Shh means Shh." To many it seems that talking in libraries isn't a very significant issue and is ridiculous to hand out jail time for such an action but as one Librarians puts it "Libraries weren't made for your personal little play time. If you want to talk, study at Starbucks."

NY NY - Friend of three years makes classic illiterate mistake. Harry Bonning, 22, suspected his friend, Mike Wallstead might be illiterate but saw no hard proof until three years into their relationship. Bonning said mike "always seemed like he was guessing in restaurants as to what was on the menu and never wanted to read me what movies were playing in the newspaper. One time Mike even shampooed his hair with Jergens lotion for an entire week until I asked him about it. I knew it was because he couldn't read the label but Mike just shrugged it off saying that he thought his scalp was super dry." Bonning said the most condemning incidence came last week on the subway. "We were going to a jazz club Friday night and as we sat down on the train Mike pulls out a book he was "reading." After the 20 minute trip down to the village I asked Mike why he held his book upside down slowly flipping pages as if he were reading." This caught Mike off guard so he quickly replied. "I'm not illiterate," trying to ward off suspicion. Bonning however was convinced even more by his sudden answer. Bonning wants to confront Mike about his apparent illiteracy but keeps laughing every time he thinks about his friends problem. Bonning said he thinks he'll just take mike to more movies with subtitles and then try to have a conversation about them afterwards. "He's got to have a breaking point" Bonning said, "And I'm going to crack him."

LA, California - Model, Jai Calme, was fired during a recent photo shoot for cracking a smile. The shoot with world renowned photographer Edward Siegel for a Bryers Ice Cream was going relatively well until Jai started to bend his facial muscles into what appeared to resemble a smile. "Whoa...what's that" said Siegel. Jai Calme stunned wasn't absolutely sure what Seigel was referring to and began to reply "Ah, I was just about to smile." "No, we don't do that anymore" Siegel explained. "That's a mistake still lingering from the 80's...If you want to smile go on some children's show. Here we do the "pained stare of longing" or the "look of admonishment" as Siegel loosened his face and tilted his head to show Jai. "Now get off my set" yelled Siegel, "you're a disgrace to the profession." Jai has reportedly not been able to find modeling work since the firing saying "photographers think I might crack a smile at any moment and they don't want that kind of liability."