Headlines (February 27 2001)
Columbus, OH - Housewife Susan Perchard is concerned that the cork board on her kitchen wall will soon fill up with papers. Two weeks ago she noticed that is was almost impossible to find open spaces for shopping lists and business cards. "I'm just not sure what I'm going to do when it's completely covered....the other day I had to put one of my sons drawing on the refrigerator, with a magnet" Mrs. Perchard has considered buying a larger cork board or possibly just throwing away old papers. In the meanwhile she has resorted to using a manila folder to hold excess materials.
Vestal, NY - Hendrik Milfet and other fourth graders are striking out against binder companies for making half inch binders. "Who are these of use to. Maybe if I want to secure like one piece of paper. But I've got more papers than one." Binder companies aren't taking the threats seriously. CEO Henry Weavers of Binder Inc. told reporters Monday that they will continue to produce the half inch binders. "We have a large demand for this size binder and will not stop making it." He went on to say that Binder Inc. makes a wide range of sizes and people should use whatever they feel is right for them.
NY, NY - PETA is suing the pita company PITA because as PETA spokeswoman Norma Wilshbin puts it "the letters in the name PITA could possibly be construed as People for the Inhumane Treatment of Animals, and we don't want that." Also, pitas can be eaten with lamb and chicken and that's just not right.
Park City, Utah - Man tries to marry blow up doll. Mark Liner 33, purchased a MASTERDATE from Porn Corner three years ago and says he has become "emotionally attached." Mark claims they would make a great married couple but is prohibited by Utah state law to marry "plastic things you blow up yourself." This isn't stopping mark though. He is moving to Vermont where you can marry just about anything. Vermont governor Mike Dotsy says he is very excited to have the first man doll marriage and hopes other states will open up their views on marriage.
Baltimore, Maryland - Painter Ed Raverford famous for his familiar roadside works such as Deer X-ing, Children at Play, Steep Incline, Intersection Ahead and many more died Tuesday afternoon. His car veered off a slippery road down a cliff into a falling rock zone. He is survived by his son Malter who posed as a subject for many of his creations.
Palm Springs, CA - Noris Jones a Palm Springs High School senior noticed Friday that the fade on his faded jeans was fading. Noris purchased the jeans from GAP about one and a half years ago. "They're getting bluer and actually look newer by the day" Noris said as he walked to 8th period Calculus. "People say they're "hella cool" and have a "new look" to them." Noris is thinking about wearing jeans he has from the mid ninety's and seeing if people will notice the difference between faded faded blue jeans and the regular plain old non chemical washed jeans. "This will sure save me a lot of money if I can just wear my old "new Jeans" as I like call them."
Boca Raton, Fla - Ira Rosenblat of Century Village retirement home complains cross word puzzles are getting too hard now a days. "I used to be able to finish the New York Times puzzle in a day or two, now I can't even start it. With such hard clues like "container for a plant (ans. - pot)" Ira believes he will have to head to local papers or maybe even Century Villages own monthly news bulletin puzzle. "They have clues that relate to us...like about medication and terminal illnesses. Last week one of the clues was "What plant when smoked help ease pain for glaucoma patients?"...pot, of course. Ira is trying his hardest as he put it "to stay in the game."
Chapel Hill, N.C. - Max Hogan 24, deposited 25 cents into a gum ball machine Wednesday evening before exiting Greaters ice cream parlor. "I was really hoping for a blue gum ball but I got orange. I was tempted to just give it to my friend and try again but I was worried that I might get red or green and I definitely didn't want one of those." Max and many others routinely go through this same experience. "I wonder if there's any way to make sure what color you will get." Max suggested that maybe some gum ball machines be stocked with only one color." As disappointed as Max was with his gum ball color he says the rest of the night went alright.
Richmond, VA - Parker Rogers says food saved his life. "I've been eating for about 53 years now...I can't imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't." Parker eats three square a day plus little snacks here and there. Snack favorites include thin slices of venison sausage, unsalted peanuts and airheads. "It's almost as though your body runs off food. When I don't eat for a while I feel lacking in energy and drained." Parkers commitment to food exceeds just eating, he's founded a "Food For Life" campaign dedicated to keeping people eating for the rest of their lives. Parker has made flyers and pins highlighting the benefits of eating. "Eat or die" one pin exclaims...well, it's about 12:30 so that is exactly what this reporter is going to do.
Providence, RI - Area man is discouraged that his stamp business is going slow. Blan Shipman local stamp maker is selling stamps in competition with the U.S. government. "No one seems to want my stamps. They say they're useless...I say a stamps a stamp." Mr. Shipman says that if business drops too much he will have to drop the stamp idea and come up with something new. He is thinking of printing his own money. "We need more of that right?"
Evanston, ILL - Raven Mardock 67 years old recently became armless in a freak deli slicer accident. "I'm cutting off 3 lbs. of corned beef for Mrs. Barts and the next thing I see is a deli slicer flying at my face. Some of the guys thought it would be funny to throw it around the place. Well the only thing I can do is shield the rest my body with my arms. So I set down the corned beef and block the slicer from hitting me. After I tell the guys not to throw the thing around while it's still plugged in I turn around to finish off the last half pound for Mrs. Barts. She was getting all cranky with the antics and what not so I'm trying to hurry up with the cutting but before I can say here you are Mam little Bobby hits me over the head with a meat cleaver and shoves my arms into the deli slicer. I'm all for a little light hearted fun at the deli but what I can't stand is people wasting meat. My blood spurted all over Mrs. Barts 3 lbs. I made little Bobby cut her some new slices from a clean piece free of charge. All I'm worried about now is how I'm going to blow my nose. We're coming into flew season you know."
Danville, VA - Michael Fisner, age 36, fears he will never be as good as a machine. Fisner has been let go from three different jobs because he was replaced by machines. Five years ago Fisner started working as a toll booth operator on I 95 but was soon replaced by a basket that drivers could throw their change into. Fisner then found a job in a sweatshop only to be pushed aside by sewing machines. "My last job I thought was failsafe. Finally, I thought to myself, job security. I worked for a mathematician Ed Zwaglord doing adding for him but after six months I was rendered useless by a calculator he bought." Mr. Fisner is trying to piece back together his life but is frequented by bouts of depression. "Every time I walk past a parking meter I think of all the people that lost their jobs because someone thought that a machine could keep track of parking spaces better than a human." Fisner says he won't stop trying. "There's gotta be something I can do better than a machine!" Fisner is thinking of becoming a porn-star/crack-dealer and doing baby sitting on the side to supplement his income.
Jackson Hole, WY - The ISA (International Satisfaction Agency) reports increasing dissatisfaction in satisfaction. "People are just not getting the same satisfaction out of satisfaction as they used to" says Mark Shoots, president of the satisfaction agency. "Americans have been satisfied for so long we're becoming immune. Americans have always had enough food, enough dry towels, enough TV's, enough ping pong tables. Maybe it's time we step back." Shoots suggests that if we starve ourselves of these types of pleasures for a year or two or three it might increase our satisfaction with them when we are reintroduced to them. Shoots is worried that the decrease in satisfaction here in America will lead to, as Mr. Shoots puts it, a global decline. Shoots wants to prevent Americans from bringing down historically satisfied nations such as Australia and Liechtenstein.
Washington, D.C. - The U.S. government says they are quickly running out of phone numbers. Mathematicians from around the world have been conferencing in the nations capital for the past 2 and a half years trying to solve this vexing problem. A low ranking government official Brian Yeager, often referred to by his buddies as Yeager mister, was sitting in his home three years ago and was thinking to himself "hmm I wonder if we're running out of phone numbers." Yeager mister then talked to a high ranking government official who thought about it himself. The high ranking government official then set up a sub-committee which set up a sub-sub-committee of 6,000 mathematicians to work on solving this national crisis. The German mathematician Lars Svednig heads up the sub-sub-committee and says "Ve have made much progress. First ve sought of adding more number to the telephone number but zat vould be too hard to remember. So zen ve came up with ze idea zat ve tought vill revolutionize phone numbers. It was there in front of our face the whole time I can't believe we didn't didn't sink of it sooner.....Negative Phone Numbers! I will give you an example. First you have 775-3412 and now you can have -77-5-(not a negative sign just a dash)34-12....So Simple!" Well kind of. Just don't try to take the square root of them and you'll be fine....somehow I think that joke went better at the mathematics sub-committee.
San Diego, CA - Waiter Joel Brenner notices that he does hardly any waiting at all. "Most of the time I'm on the go. Either pouring water or getting some ones check rung up. There's very little down time, that's why I like it so much. I don't like waiting." During the National Table Waiting Symposium held last August in Reykjavik (also where the waiter hall of fame is located), a vote was cast to rename waiters to "Leavers." Some waiters who attended the meeting think its a great change while others feel like they don't care at all.
London, England - Safety Paper, the worlds first completely safe "paper cut free" paper product had its debut this Monday. Offices around the globe tried out the first ever paper specifically designed to prevent paper cuts with an overwhelming response. "We just love safety paper" says Donna Freely and office assistant at Shmorgis Board INC. "I remember being cut at least three times a day by that evil tree product, now...no more." Safety Paper is made safe by a protective rubber lining that surrounds the whole page. "It's sort of like a rubber band taped around the edges" says company entrepreneur David Shwig. "In fact that's exactly what it is. This is just a beta version, we've only made about 14 pages so far that we distributed to different "paper hungry" companies. Once we figure out a way to mass produce our revolutionary new paper you'll find it in Staples and Office Max just like the other stuff." If your interested you can order your piece of Safety Paper from www.SafetyPaperIsGreat.com. Ms. Freely says she'll never go back to the regular stuff because Safety Paper is so easy to deal with and "user friendly."
Omaha, Nebraska - 14 year old John Burdin says taking shits in school isn't as so bad. "People never take shits in school because they think the bathroom is dirty. But in reality since no one takes shits in school they're quite clean." Burdin's friends think John's crazy but respect him for being able to press his ass cheeks up against such filth.
Johnson City, Fl - Man is buried for seven days and says, "...eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend some quality me time." Burt Chindale was noticed missing six days after he had been buried under a pile of dirt he was burrowing through on a construction site. Wife Susan of 27 years said she didn't notice he was gone until one day she tried to put down the toilet seat and it was already down. "Thank god I needed to use the bathroom. Who knows how long it could have been before I realized my husband hadn't been home in a week." Fellow workers at the construction site said that Burt was one of those guys who stood around and didn't do much so they didn't really notice he was gone. Burt doesn't seem to mind that no one noticed he was gone saying, "I'm actually kind of relieved to see that no one relies on me in this world, it makes me a free man. It'll just give me more time to go fishing and explore my backyard."
Anywhere America, - A chronically depressed hypochondriac overdoses on placebos. Fred Freder a depressed man from somewhere...it doesn't really matter where he was from...was in a control group for a new antidepressant called Zolotrex. Mr. Freder swallowed the whole bottle of placebos after a night of Must See TV on NBC. "I just couldn't take all those happy shows and happy people, I felt so alone" says Freder. After downing the whole bottle Freder felt "nauseous and gassy." Saying, "After taking the whole bottle of pills I knew I was done for. I could feel my innards making their way out...I could feel myself dying." Mr. Freder's doctor, Dr. Mike Lamzadar explained to Fred that he was going to be alright and that the pills were nothing more than sugar tablets. After convincing Mr. Freder that the pills weren't real and that he wouldn't die of an overdose Fred then became depressed over the fact that he was not picked by the medicine company to receive the real drug. "No one ever picks me...I never get picked...for once just someone choose ME!!!" exclaimed Freder.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Man with wig tests positive for drugs. Target manager, Roger Palpison, 24, had a snippet of his hair unknowingly cut from his head during a lunch break. The hair was sent to a lab and tested positive for marijuana and a list of other opiates. Roger claims that since it was not his hair he should be retested by either a blood or urine test to prove he is innocent of these charges. When asked to comment Target executive Barry Worthalot said that Target's no tolerance, one strike your out policy eliminates the possibility of a retest. Mr. Palpison could not believe the ludicrousness of the decision saying "It's a *%#@ing wig...it's not my hair!!...Don't you people understand!?" Mr. Palpison said he started going bald at the young age of 5 1/2 and his head was completely hairless by 10. Roger sent application after application to Locks of Love but he was never chosen by the organization to receive a wig. In a last ditch effort Roger pleaded for help with a Dutch group called Hair for up There. Where they finally gave him the help and hair he needed.
Rawlings, WV - The West Virginia senate recently passed a bill that makes talking in libraries a punishable offense. If found bantering with others or simply murmuring to ones self, jail time of up to 36 months can be ticketed to the offender at the discretion of the librarian. Talking in libraries has been on the rise according to a study published last year in the journal "Quiet Time" noting that since 1970 talking has increased 43%. Librarians in WV lobbied in support of the bill. A rally was held last Saturday before the bill was signed with librarians holding up signs, rather than chanting, that said "Shh means Shh." To many it seems that talking in libraries isn't a very significant issue and is ridiculous to hand out jail time for such an action but as one Librarians puts it "Libraries weren't made for your personal little play time. If you want to talk, study at Starbucks."
NY NY - Friend of three years makes classic illiterate mistake. Harry Bonning, 22, suspected his friend, Mike Wallstead might be illiterate but saw no hard proof until three years into their relationship. Bonning said mike "always seemed like he was guessing in restaurants as to what was on the menu and never wanted to read me what movies were playing in the newspaper. One time Mike even shampooed his hair with Jergens lotion for an entire week until I asked him about it. I knew it was because he couldn't read the label but Mike just shrugged it off saying that he thought his scalp was super dry." Bonning said the most condemning incidence came last week on the subway. "We were going to a jazz club Friday night and as we sat down on the train Mike pulls out a book he was "reading." After the 20 minute trip down to the village I asked Mike why he held his book upside down slowly flipping pages as if he were reading." This caught Mike off guard so he quickly replied. "I'm not illiterate," trying to ward off suspicion. Bonning however was convinced even more by his sudden answer. Bonning wants to confront Mike about his apparent illiteracy but keeps laughing every time he thinks about his friends problem. Bonning said he thinks he'll just take mike to more movies with subtitles and then try to have a conversation about them afterwards. "He's got to have a breaking point" Bonning said, "And I'm going to crack him."
LA, California - Model, Jai Calme, was fired during a recent photo shoot for cracking a smile. The shoot with world renowned photographer Edward Siegel for a Bryers Ice Cream was going relatively well until Jai started to bend his facial muscles into what appeared to resemble a smile. "Whoa...what's that" said Siegel. Jai Calme stunned wasn't absolutely sure what Seigel was referring to and began to reply "Ah, I was just about to smile." "No, we don't do that anymore" Siegel explained. "That's a mistake still lingering from the 80's...If you want to smile go on some children's show. Here we do the "pained stare of longing" or the "look of admonishment" as Siegel loosened his face and tilted his head to show Jai. "Now get off my set" yelled Siegel, "you're a disgrace to the profession." Jai has reportedly not been able to find modeling work since the firing saying "photographers think I might crack a smile at any moment and they don't want that kind of liability."
Vestal, NY - Hendrik Milfet and other fourth graders are striking out against binder companies for making half inch binders. "Who are these of use to. Maybe if I want to secure like one piece of paper. But I've got more papers than one." Binder companies aren't taking the threats seriously. CEO Henry Weavers of Binder Inc. told reporters Monday that they will continue to produce the half inch binders. "We have a large demand for this size binder and will not stop making it." He went on to say that Binder Inc. makes a wide range of sizes and people should use whatever they feel is right for them.
NY, NY - PETA is suing the pita company PITA because as PETA spokeswoman Norma Wilshbin puts it "the letters in the name PITA could possibly be construed as People for the Inhumane Treatment of Animals, and we don't want that." Also, pitas can be eaten with lamb and chicken and that's just not right.
Park City, Utah - Man tries to marry blow up doll. Mark Liner 33, purchased a MASTERDATE from Porn Corner three years ago and says he has become "emotionally attached." Mark claims they would make a great married couple but is prohibited by Utah state law to marry "plastic things you blow up yourself." This isn't stopping mark though. He is moving to Vermont where you can marry just about anything. Vermont governor Mike Dotsy says he is very excited to have the first man doll marriage and hopes other states will open up their views on marriage.
Baltimore, Maryland - Painter Ed Raverford famous for his familiar roadside works such as Deer X-ing, Children at Play, Steep Incline, Intersection Ahead and many more died Tuesday afternoon. His car veered off a slippery road down a cliff into a falling rock zone. He is survived by his son Malter who posed as a subject for many of his creations.
Palm Springs, CA - Noris Jones a Palm Springs High School senior noticed Friday that the fade on his faded jeans was fading. Noris purchased the jeans from GAP about one and a half years ago. "They're getting bluer and actually look newer by the day" Noris said as he walked to 8th period Calculus. "People say they're "hella cool" and have a "new look" to them." Noris is thinking about wearing jeans he has from the mid ninety's and seeing if people will notice the difference between faded faded blue jeans and the regular plain old non chemical washed jeans. "This will sure save me a lot of money if I can just wear my old "new Jeans" as I like call them."
Boca Raton, Fla - Ira Rosenblat of Century Village retirement home complains cross word puzzles are getting too hard now a days. "I used to be able to finish the New York Times puzzle in a day or two, now I can't even start it. With such hard clues like "container for a plant (ans. - pot)" Ira believes he will have to head to local papers or maybe even Century Villages own monthly news bulletin puzzle. "They have clues that relate to us...like about medication and terminal illnesses. Last week one of the clues was "What plant when smoked help ease pain for glaucoma patients?"...pot, of course. Ira is trying his hardest as he put it "to stay in the game."
Chapel Hill, N.C. - Max Hogan 24, deposited 25 cents into a gum ball machine Wednesday evening before exiting Greaters ice cream parlor. "I was really hoping for a blue gum ball but I got orange. I was tempted to just give it to my friend and try again but I was worried that I might get red or green and I definitely didn't want one of those." Max and many others routinely go through this same experience. "I wonder if there's any way to make sure what color you will get." Max suggested that maybe some gum ball machines be stocked with only one color." As disappointed as Max was with his gum ball color he says the rest of the night went alright.
Richmond, VA - Parker Rogers says food saved his life. "I've been eating for about 53 years now...I can't imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't." Parker eats three square a day plus little snacks here and there. Snack favorites include thin slices of venison sausage, unsalted peanuts and airheads. "It's almost as though your body runs off food. When I don't eat for a while I feel lacking in energy and drained." Parkers commitment to food exceeds just eating, he's founded a "Food For Life" campaign dedicated to keeping people eating for the rest of their lives. Parker has made flyers and pins highlighting the benefits of eating. "Eat or die" one pin exclaims...well, it's about 12:30 so that is exactly what this reporter is going to do.
Providence, RI - Area man is discouraged that his stamp business is going slow. Blan Shipman local stamp maker is selling stamps in competition with the U.S. government. "No one seems to want my stamps. They say they're useless...I say a stamps a stamp." Mr. Shipman says that if business drops too much he will have to drop the stamp idea and come up with something new. He is thinking of printing his own money. "We need more of that right?"
Evanston, ILL - Raven Mardock 67 years old recently became armless in a freak deli slicer accident. "I'm cutting off 3 lbs. of corned beef for Mrs. Barts and the next thing I see is a deli slicer flying at my face. Some of the guys thought it would be funny to throw it around the place. Well the only thing I can do is shield the rest my body with my arms. So I set down the corned beef and block the slicer from hitting me. After I tell the guys not to throw the thing around while it's still plugged in I turn around to finish off the last half pound for Mrs. Barts. She was getting all cranky with the antics and what not so I'm trying to hurry up with the cutting but before I can say here you are Mam little Bobby hits me over the head with a meat cleaver and shoves my arms into the deli slicer. I'm all for a little light hearted fun at the deli but what I can't stand is people wasting meat. My blood spurted all over Mrs. Barts 3 lbs. I made little Bobby cut her some new slices from a clean piece free of charge. All I'm worried about now is how I'm going to blow my nose. We're coming into flew season you know."
Danville, VA - Michael Fisner, age 36, fears he will never be as good as a machine. Fisner has been let go from three different jobs because he was replaced by machines. Five years ago Fisner started working as a toll booth operator on I 95 but was soon replaced by a basket that drivers could throw their change into. Fisner then found a job in a sweatshop only to be pushed aside by sewing machines. "My last job I thought was failsafe. Finally, I thought to myself, job security. I worked for a mathematician Ed Zwaglord doing adding for him but after six months I was rendered useless by a calculator he bought." Mr. Fisner is trying to piece back together his life but is frequented by bouts of depression. "Every time I walk past a parking meter I think of all the people that lost their jobs because someone thought that a machine could keep track of parking spaces better than a human." Fisner says he won't stop trying. "There's gotta be something I can do better than a machine!" Fisner is thinking of becoming a porn-star/crack-dealer and doing baby sitting on the side to supplement his income.
Jackson Hole, WY - The ISA (International Satisfaction Agency) reports increasing dissatisfaction in satisfaction. "People are just not getting the same satisfaction out of satisfaction as they used to" says Mark Shoots, president of the satisfaction agency. "Americans have been satisfied for so long we're becoming immune. Americans have always had enough food, enough dry towels, enough TV's, enough ping pong tables. Maybe it's time we step back." Shoots suggests that if we starve ourselves of these types of pleasures for a year or two or three it might increase our satisfaction with them when we are reintroduced to them. Shoots is worried that the decrease in satisfaction here in America will lead to, as Mr. Shoots puts it, a global decline. Shoots wants to prevent Americans from bringing down historically satisfied nations such as Australia and Liechtenstein.
Washington, D.C. - The U.S. government says they are quickly running out of phone numbers. Mathematicians from around the world have been conferencing in the nations capital for the past 2 and a half years trying to solve this vexing problem. A low ranking government official Brian Yeager, often referred to by his buddies as Yeager mister, was sitting in his home three years ago and was thinking to himself "hmm I wonder if we're running out of phone numbers." Yeager mister then talked to a high ranking government official who thought about it himself. The high ranking government official then set up a sub-committee which set up a sub-sub-committee of 6,000 mathematicians to work on solving this national crisis. The German mathematician Lars Svednig heads up the sub-sub-committee and says "Ve have made much progress. First ve sought of adding more number to the telephone number but zat vould be too hard to remember. So zen ve came up with ze idea zat ve tought vill revolutionize phone numbers. It was there in front of our face the whole time I can't believe we didn't didn't sink of it sooner.....Negative Phone Numbers! I will give you an example. First you have 775-3412 and now you can have -77-5-(not a negative sign just a dash)34-12....So Simple!" Well kind of. Just don't try to take the square root of them and you'll be fine....somehow I think that joke went better at the mathematics sub-committee.
San Diego, CA - Waiter Joel Brenner notices that he does hardly any waiting at all. "Most of the time I'm on the go. Either pouring water or getting some ones check rung up. There's very little down time, that's why I like it so much. I don't like waiting." During the National Table Waiting Symposium held last August in Reykjavik (also where the waiter hall of fame is located), a vote was cast to rename waiters to "Leavers." Some waiters who attended the meeting think its a great change while others feel like they don't care at all.
London, England - Safety Paper, the worlds first completely safe "paper cut free" paper product had its debut this Monday. Offices around the globe tried out the first ever paper specifically designed to prevent paper cuts with an overwhelming response. "We just love safety paper" says Donna Freely and office assistant at Shmorgis Board INC. "I remember being cut at least three times a day by that evil tree product, now...no more." Safety Paper is made safe by a protective rubber lining that surrounds the whole page. "It's sort of like a rubber band taped around the edges" says company entrepreneur David Shwig. "In fact that's exactly what it is. This is just a beta version, we've only made about 14 pages so far that we distributed to different "paper hungry" companies. Once we figure out a way to mass produce our revolutionary new paper you'll find it in Staples and Office Max just like the other stuff." If your interested you can order your piece of Safety Paper from www.SafetyPaperIsGreat.com. Ms. Freely says she'll never go back to the regular stuff because Safety Paper is so easy to deal with and "user friendly."
Omaha, Nebraska - 14 year old John Burdin says taking shits in school isn't as so bad. "People never take shits in school because they think the bathroom is dirty. But in reality since no one takes shits in school they're quite clean." Burdin's friends think John's crazy but respect him for being able to press his ass cheeks up against such filth.
Johnson City, Fl - Man is buried for seven days and says, "...eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend some quality me time." Burt Chindale was noticed missing six days after he had been buried under a pile of dirt he was burrowing through on a construction site. Wife Susan of 27 years said she didn't notice he was gone until one day she tried to put down the toilet seat and it was already down. "Thank god I needed to use the bathroom. Who knows how long it could have been before I realized my husband hadn't been home in a week." Fellow workers at the construction site said that Burt was one of those guys who stood around and didn't do much so they didn't really notice he was gone. Burt doesn't seem to mind that no one noticed he was gone saying, "I'm actually kind of relieved to see that no one relies on me in this world, it makes me a free man. It'll just give me more time to go fishing and explore my backyard."
Anywhere America, - A chronically depressed hypochondriac overdoses on placebos. Fred Freder a depressed man from somewhere...it doesn't really matter where he was from...was in a control group for a new antidepressant called Zolotrex. Mr. Freder swallowed the whole bottle of placebos after a night of Must See TV on NBC. "I just couldn't take all those happy shows and happy people, I felt so alone" says Freder. After downing the whole bottle Freder felt "nauseous and gassy." Saying, "After taking the whole bottle of pills I knew I was done for. I could feel my innards making their way out...I could feel myself dying." Mr. Freder's doctor, Dr. Mike Lamzadar explained to Fred that he was going to be alright and that the pills were nothing more than sugar tablets. After convincing Mr. Freder that the pills weren't real and that he wouldn't die of an overdose Fred then became depressed over the fact that he was not picked by the medicine company to receive the real drug. "No one ever picks me...I never get picked...for once just someone choose ME!!!" exclaimed Freder.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Man with wig tests positive for drugs. Target manager, Roger Palpison, 24, had a snippet of his hair unknowingly cut from his head during a lunch break. The hair was sent to a lab and tested positive for marijuana and a list of other opiates. Roger claims that since it was not his hair he should be retested by either a blood or urine test to prove he is innocent of these charges. When asked to comment Target executive Barry Worthalot said that Target's no tolerance, one strike your out policy eliminates the possibility of a retest. Mr. Palpison could not believe the ludicrousness of the decision saying "It's a *%#@ing wig...it's not my hair!!...Don't you people understand!?" Mr. Palpison said he started going bald at the young age of 5 1/2 and his head was completely hairless by 10. Roger sent application after application to Locks of Love but he was never chosen by the organization to receive a wig. In a last ditch effort Roger pleaded for help with a Dutch group called Hair for up There. Where they finally gave him the help and hair he needed.
Rawlings, WV - The West Virginia senate recently passed a bill that makes talking in libraries a punishable offense. If found bantering with others or simply murmuring to ones self, jail time of up to 36 months can be ticketed to the offender at the discretion of the librarian. Talking in libraries has been on the rise according to a study published last year in the journal "Quiet Time" noting that since 1970 talking has increased 43%. Librarians in WV lobbied in support of the bill. A rally was held last Saturday before the bill was signed with librarians holding up signs, rather than chanting, that said "Shh means Shh." To many it seems that talking in libraries isn't a very significant issue and is ridiculous to hand out jail time for such an action but as one Librarians puts it "Libraries weren't made for your personal little play time. If you want to talk, study at Starbucks."
NY NY - Friend of three years makes classic illiterate mistake. Harry Bonning, 22, suspected his friend, Mike Wallstead might be illiterate but saw no hard proof until three years into their relationship. Bonning said mike "always seemed like he was guessing in restaurants as to what was on the menu and never wanted to read me what movies were playing in the newspaper. One time Mike even shampooed his hair with Jergens lotion for an entire week until I asked him about it. I knew it was because he couldn't read the label but Mike just shrugged it off saying that he thought his scalp was super dry." Bonning said the most condemning incidence came last week on the subway. "We were going to a jazz club Friday night and as we sat down on the train Mike pulls out a book he was "reading." After the 20 minute trip down to the village I asked Mike why he held his book upside down slowly flipping pages as if he were reading." This caught Mike off guard so he quickly replied. "I'm not illiterate," trying to ward off suspicion. Bonning however was convinced even more by his sudden answer. Bonning wants to confront Mike about his apparent illiteracy but keeps laughing every time he thinks about his friends problem. Bonning said he thinks he'll just take mike to more movies with subtitles and then try to have a conversation about them afterwards. "He's got to have a breaking point" Bonning said, "And I'm going to crack him."
LA, California - Model, Jai Calme, was fired during a recent photo shoot for cracking a smile. The shoot with world renowned photographer Edward Siegel for a Bryers Ice Cream was going relatively well until Jai started to bend his facial muscles into what appeared to resemble a smile. "Whoa...what's that" said Siegel. Jai Calme stunned wasn't absolutely sure what Seigel was referring to and began to reply "Ah, I was just about to smile." "No, we don't do that anymore" Siegel explained. "That's a mistake still lingering from the 80's...If you want to smile go on some children's show. Here we do the "pained stare of longing" or the "look of admonishment" as Siegel loosened his face and tilted his head to show Jai. "Now get off my set" yelled Siegel, "you're a disgrace to the profession." Jai has reportedly not been able to find modeling work since the firing saying "photographers think I might crack a smile at any moment and they don't want that kind of liability."
posted by Hungry at 8:24 AM
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