"I Think Your Christmas Spirit Is Hitting On Me”
SCENE 1
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Exterior: It’s a snowy night in the countryside of upstate Antarctica (Santa heads south for the winter). The sun is just setting behind his old red sleigh…but not really because the sun never sets this time of year.
Interior: The Claus family is gathered around their dining room table ready to begin the Christmas feast.
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Mr. Claus: Why do you always have to bring your pet chicken to the dinner table Joseph?
Joseph: It’s not a chicken dad, it’s a cock. And besides, you let Margaret’s dog eat by the table.
Mrs. Clause: Yes, but your cock does get a bit loud sometimes.
Joseph: Oh whatever (said in a dismissive tone), I have to use the restroom, who wants to hold my cock while I’m in the bathroom? (no response) Fine, I’ll hold my own god dam cock.
(Joseph leaves the table cock in hand)
SCENE 2:
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Int: The Claus family is ready to begin their Chirstmas meal
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Betsy: Daddy, daddy can I say grace? (said with much excitement)
Mr. Clause: No. (continues to say grace himself) Dear, 1 pound 7 ounce baby pre-mature baby jesus.
Mrs. Claus: Oh Santa, ever since you saw Talledega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby you can’t stop doing impressions of Will Ferrell.
Mr. Claus: Shut up Mary!
Mrs. Claus: My names not Mary! (Said while she begins to cry)
Mr. Claus: Oh, why are you crying now?!
Mrs. Claus: Patrick scooted his chair on my pinkie toe.
Mr. Claus: Wait, did you just say your name wasn’t Mary?
Mrs. Claus: No, it’s Carrie.
Mr. Claus: You mean all these years we’ve been married and I’ve called you by the wrong name?
Mrs. Claus: Uh, huh.
Mr. Claus: I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. Well, to my defense, we did meet in a loud bar, it was hard to hear. But still?
Mrs. Claus: After the first couple dates I didn’t have the heart to tell you. And then once we got married and had kids…it just didn’t seem right to break the news.
Mr. Claus: Well there’s nothing like a large family gathering during the holiday season to share intimate details about your self.
Mrs. Claus: I don’t think my name falls in to that category.
Patrick: (raises his hand) on that note, I have something to share with the family. It’s hard for me to do this.
Mrs. Claus: Patrick, nothing you could say right now could ruin this special moment.
Patrick: Thanks mom. OK, I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve wanted to tell you this for years. (Pause) I’m black. There, I said it.
Mrs. Claus: Oh honey, I can’t say we didn’t suspect anything. You do look a little, how does Micheal Richards say…African American. But this is quite a surprise. A great surprise! I propose a toast to Patrick.
(Before everyone has a chance to lift their glasses Margaret speaks)
Margaret: Ah guys, wait one sec. While we’re in the holiday spirit, I have something to share too. Like Patrick this is something I’ve wanted to say for years. I’m coming out as a heterosexual.
Mrs. Claus: Straight?
Margaret: As an arrow.
Mr. Claus: You mean, after all of those diversity classes and books “Be Who You Are, Not Who They Want You To Be”, and movies “Young Wet Hot…,” wait, that’s my movie. After all of that and you’re straight? Where’d we go wrong?
Margaret: No, it has nothing to do with you guys. I’m happy.
Mrs. Claus: How come you never mentioned this sooner?
Margaret: I tried. Remember that day in the supermarket. It was me, you, and dad. We were in the produce isle. Dad was pressing a peach against his face to see if it was ripe. I still contend that is not the way to determine peach ripeness. Anyway. I said “mom and dad, I have something to tell you. I’m straight.” But you wouldn’t hear of it.
Mr. Claus: I vaguely remember the peach.
Joseph: You know what. Let’s put all of this behind us. Start over. Fresh slate. Christmas is a time of new beginnings and friendship and love and pine trees…in houses. I’m going to try and make the soliloquy as long and gushy as possible but instead I just made it into a meta soliloquy rendering it devoid of any touching, meaningful…itude. You get my point.
Mr. Claus: Look, I have something to say too. I’m not really Santa Claus (say while pulling santa hat off). I’m not even Christian. My name is Avi and I’m Jewish. I feel terrible about this whole thing. I don’t even thing there is a Santa Claus. Not to break away from the Christmas spirit thing we have going here. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Mrs. Claus: OK, so who’s ready to eat!!
THE END
Betsy: Wait, hold on, the play can’t just end like that!! What happens? Does Margaret ever find true straight love? Does Patrick realize that if you’re black you don’t actually have to “come out?” And do Mr. and Mrs. Claus stay together?
Margaret: NO
Patrick: NO
Mr. and Mrs. Claus: NO
Betsy: OK, now we can eat.
Mrs. Claus Announces The Start Of The Play
Mr. & Mrs. Claus With Their Son Patrick
Some People Liked? Some People Looked Confused?
A Little Too Much Nog
------------------
Exterior: It’s a snowy night in the countryside of upstate Antarctica (Santa heads south for the winter). The sun is just setting behind his old red sleigh…but not really because the sun never sets this time of year.
Interior: The Claus family is gathered around their dining room table ready to begin the Christmas feast.
------------------
Mr. Claus: Why do you always have to bring your pet chicken to the dinner table Joseph?
Joseph: It’s not a chicken dad, it’s a cock. And besides, you let Margaret’s dog eat by the table.
Mrs. Clause: Yes, but your cock does get a bit loud sometimes.
Joseph: Oh whatever (said in a dismissive tone), I have to use the restroom, who wants to hold my cock while I’m in the bathroom? (no response) Fine, I’ll hold my own god dam cock.
(Joseph leaves the table cock in hand)
SCENE 2:
------------------
Int: The Claus family is ready to begin their Chirstmas meal
------------------
Betsy: Daddy, daddy can I say grace? (said with much excitement)
Mr. Clause: No. (continues to say grace himself) Dear, 1 pound 7 ounce baby pre-mature baby jesus.
Mrs. Claus: Oh Santa, ever since you saw Talledega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby you can’t stop doing impressions of Will Ferrell.
Mr. Claus: Shut up Mary!
Mrs. Claus: My names not Mary! (Said while she begins to cry)
Mr. Claus: Oh, why are you crying now?!
Mrs. Claus: Patrick scooted his chair on my pinkie toe.
Mr. Claus: Wait, did you just say your name wasn’t Mary?
Mrs. Claus: No, it’s Carrie.
Mr. Claus: You mean all these years we’ve been married and I’ve called you by the wrong name?
Mrs. Claus: Uh, huh.
Mr. Claus: I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. Well, to my defense, we did meet in a loud bar, it was hard to hear. But still?
Mrs. Claus: After the first couple dates I didn’t have the heart to tell you. And then once we got married and had kids…it just didn’t seem right to break the news.
Mr. Claus: Well there’s nothing like a large family gathering during the holiday season to share intimate details about your self.
Mrs. Claus: I don’t think my name falls in to that category.
Patrick: (raises his hand) on that note, I have something to share with the family. It’s hard for me to do this.
Mrs. Claus: Patrick, nothing you could say right now could ruin this special moment.
Patrick: Thanks mom. OK, I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve wanted to tell you this for years. (Pause) I’m black. There, I said it.
Mrs. Claus: Oh honey, I can’t say we didn’t suspect anything. You do look a little, how does Micheal Richards say…African American. But this is quite a surprise. A great surprise! I propose a toast to Patrick.
(Before everyone has a chance to lift their glasses Margaret speaks)
Margaret: Ah guys, wait one sec. While we’re in the holiday spirit, I have something to share too. Like Patrick this is something I’ve wanted to say for years. I’m coming out as a heterosexual.
Mrs. Claus: Straight?
Margaret: As an arrow.
Mr. Claus: You mean, after all of those diversity classes and books “Be Who You Are, Not Who They Want You To Be”, and movies “Young Wet Hot…,” wait, that’s my movie. After all of that and you’re straight? Where’d we go wrong?
Margaret: No, it has nothing to do with you guys. I’m happy.
Mrs. Claus: How come you never mentioned this sooner?
Margaret: I tried. Remember that day in the supermarket. It was me, you, and dad. We were in the produce isle. Dad was pressing a peach against his face to see if it was ripe. I still contend that is not the way to determine peach ripeness. Anyway. I said “mom and dad, I have something to tell you. I’m straight.” But you wouldn’t hear of it.
Mr. Claus: I vaguely remember the peach.
Joseph: You know what. Let’s put all of this behind us. Start over. Fresh slate. Christmas is a time of new beginnings and friendship and love and pine trees…in houses. I’m going to try and make the soliloquy as long and gushy as possible but instead I just made it into a meta soliloquy rendering it devoid of any touching, meaningful…itude. You get my point.
Mr. Claus: Look, I have something to say too. I’m not really Santa Claus (say while pulling santa hat off). I’m not even Christian. My name is Avi and I’m Jewish. I feel terrible about this whole thing. I don’t even thing there is a Santa Claus. Not to break away from the Christmas spirit thing we have going here. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Mrs. Claus: OK, so who’s ready to eat!!
THE END
Betsy: Wait, hold on, the play can’t just end like that!! What happens? Does Margaret ever find true straight love? Does Patrick realize that if you’re black you don’t actually have to “come out?” And do Mr. and Mrs. Claus stay together?
Margaret: NO
Patrick: NO
Mr. and Mrs. Claus: NO
Betsy: OK, now we can eat.
Mrs. Claus Announces The Start Of The Play
Mr. & Mrs. Claus With Their Son Patrick
Some People Liked? Some People Looked Confused?
A Little Too Much Nog
posted by Hungry at 11:10 AM
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