Just the Facts (Febuary 28 2001)

Fact #1: there's nothing i can't do with saran wrap
Fact #2: My favorite brand of headphones are SONY
Fact #3: I've never broken a bone
Fact #4: I don't like to write on paper, i prefer a chalk board or writing with my finger in the sand
Fact #5: My favorite way of consuming food is by pureeing it and then just drinking the mixture
Fact #6: I'm partial towards cement sidewalks because i find them "non-threatening"
Fact #7: I lost my palm pilot and now keep all of my addresses on a "piece of paper"
Fact #8: When i'm weight lifting i try not to lift more weight than i weigh
Fact #9: I weigh 172 pounds
Fact #10: My favorite color is blue but i'm partially color blind so i'm never quite sure if i'm seeing blue
Fact #11: My favorite noodle is the rice noodle (thank you mo for turning me on to them)
Fact #12: My favorite body part is my eyelid (they happen to be really thin so when i close them and look into a light i see red...although again since i'm color blind i'm not sure if its red)

Fact #13: My favorite phase of the moon is a waning gibbous
Fact #14: Squares are my favorite shape for an ice cube (wow squares you say....aren't those two dimensional, don't you mean cubes....no i mean squares) p.s. thank you Lev
Fact #15: I have a fatal addiction to snood
Fact #16: Gauss' law is my least favorite electricity law
Fact #17: Average time it takes me to walk to my first class - 9 minutes
Fact #18: linoleum is my favorite floor surface as well as good word for hang man
Fact #19: I like the Beatles, weezer, Blink one hundred and eighty two, Dash board confessional (is dash board one word?), Jimmy Eat World...it just takes some time little girl you're in the middle something something something...does anyone know those words
Fact #20: Movies i need to see - swingers, spinal tap and waiting for Guffman
Fact #21: >:( i just made up that face
Fact #22: if it takes more than 3 minutes to do it's probably not worth doing
Fact #23: Fact 23 was in a car accident this past weekend and is unable to appear on my website...don't worry she'll be back soon
Fact #24: My favorite emotion is rage
Fact #24: My favorite emotion is rage
Fact #25: The left side of my space bar key is worn down more than the right
Fact #26: i once got addicted to Nicorette gum and had to start smoking cigarettes to quit
Fact #27: Pepperidge Farm cookies are of far better quality than Gateway Computers...you may say i'm comparing "cookies and computers" and how can i do that...well get your own damn website you can write whatever the f%*k you want...its great
Fact #28: Fact #26 isn't so true

Fact #29: I would have to say stall three is my favorite, it's almost exactly the same as stalls 1, 2 and 4 but for some reason its just so much better
Fact #30: I don't like my thumbs because they are always in opposition of all my other fingers
Fact #31: Sometimes when i look into the air i think i can see the molecules of nitrogen and oxygen flying around
Fact #32: My favorite non-natural hair color is hot green
Fact #33: Something to think about the next time you go driving a car - studies have shown that gasoline powered cars emit "carbon monoxide" a gas which has been shown to contribute to the destruction of the Ozone layer (a protective layer which allows you to wear less sun block)
Fact #34: It is my belief that certain sun block companies such as "Block Them Rays" and "Sun Stay Away" have started "pro-driving gasoline powered car" campaigns to increase carbon monoxide emissions thereby selling more sun block thereby getting more money....they decision is up to you, make the right choice

Fact #35: Sunflower seeds are the least filling snack ever
Fact #36: i was walking down the sidewalk the other day and i felt a warm spot...it kinda felt like someone urinated in the air
Fact #37: Position i play in coed intramural slow pitch softball - catcher
Fact #38: Number of times i've been up to bat - three
Fact #39: Number of times i've ripped the ball and new asshole - three
Fact #40: Conclusion - Avi rules at coed intramural slow pitch softball
Fact #41: So i fell asleep in Economics class the other day...the girl sitting next to me accidentally bumped me with papers she was holding in her hand and woke me up...as i looked up, confused and dazed, i thought she was handing me the papers to pass around so i proceeded to take them out of her hand...she told me to go back to sleep....i did...

Fact #42: There's no such thing as a free lunch....unless of course it is a free lunch
Fact #43: i have retired the phrase "so be it" from my vocabulary
Fact #44: When i grow up and have a family and a house i'm going to buy metal sporks for silverware

Fact #45: in 2040, if i did my math right, i'm going to be 57 years old
Fact #46: My favorite country that i've never been to is INDIA
Fact #47: Best subject to study while heavily intoxicated is calculus I II or III....not only does it make the pain go away but then you have an excuse to take the tests drunk
Fact #48: Favorite part of a women's body - the naked part, whichever one that may be at the time

Fact #49: I have an infinite supply of nothing...so if you don't need anything i've got it
Fact #50: I don't think anyone goes to my website anymore
Fact #51: I will from now on spell shop and center the English way
Fact #52: Shoppe, Centre
Fact #53: why are the scrolly things always on the right
Fact #54: I think the best way to deal with fear is to fear it...that way you won't mess around with it and get all fucked up
Fact #55: Anagram for Avi Asher Guter = Suave Ear Girth
Fact #56: Note - Fact #55 is thanks to Nilesh Patel....a.k.a Lethal Snipe
Fact #57: I like cows....and by cows i mean manatees
Fact #58: no one ever wants to play monopoly because they say it takes to long....i hate that

Fact #59: I dyed my hair brown but since my hair is brown it didn't look like it was dyed...do i still get credit for dying my hair
Fact #60: When the movie "About a Boy" comes out it will mark the first time i have ever read a book before seeing the movie
Fact #61: Frankly i don't think frosted flakes could get much better
Fact #62: This is a great way to get my views and opinions out there into the world
Fact #63: One time i was writing on a piece of paper and i was misspelling words left and right...i kept expecting spell check to kick in and put red lines under the misspelled words....then i remembered
Fact #64: Why is it that post cards don't come with any post?
Fact #65: Fact #64 is the first fact with punctuation

Fact #66: If you stand really close to a wall you can convince yourself that it's the floor and that you are hovering horizontally inches off the ground...its great
Fact #67: My lowest score in virtual mini-golf is 27 on par 48 (link at bottom)

Fact #68: I'd consider myself a bit of a Zionist...i'm a big fan of Hebrew national hotdogs
Fact #69: Spiderman isn't a great movie because of the great script because it doesn't have one, it's not a great movie because of the stellar actors because it doesn't have any and its not a great movie because of the fantastic special effects because there are none, it's a great movie because...oh wait maybe it's not a great movie

Fact #70: I love the sound my computer makes when i empty my recycle bin
Fact #71: I love the sound of crumpling paper
Fact #72: My lowest score on virtual mini golf is 24

Fact #73: Humans are man made

Fact #74: I just found out today that i am a "tactile learner" so from now on i am ordering all my books in brail

Fact #75: I found out today that i can't read brail
Fact #76: As of now i have had 189 Chipotle Burritos (now = nueve de mayo)
Fact #77: Terrycloth is my favorite material...i wonder why there aren't more clothes made out of it...you wouldn't have to dry off after you got out of the shower you could just put your terrycloth pants and shirt on
Fact #78: I'll be honest i've been experimenting with some chemicals since i've been here at college, i'm trying out new shampoos and bar soaps
Fact #79: I think a homeless woman was hitting on me today...i'm kinda flattered but i think she was using me to get to my house

Fact #80: I'm bringing back Velcro shoes in a bad way

Fact #81: I'm afraid of heights....i like widths better

Fact #82: I bought multi purpose paper the other day...i still can't figure out the other purpose
Fact #83: i think the greatest inequality in the world is 798 > (64/2)
Fact #84: This web page would still suck if it weren't for Lucian
Fact #85: I find as a general rule that when i walk faster i get places faster and when i walk slower i get places slower

Fact #86: i hate all animals with hair....except for mammals
Fact #87: i always wonder when i'm eating Fritos how loud it sounds to other people because man it's deafening inside my head
Fact #88: if we had eight hour days i'd be three times older

Fact #89: Best line in Episode II attack of the clones: "I don't like sand" - Anican Skywalker

Fact #90: I like any movie that features pogo sticks (e.g. tremors)

Fact #91: Doritos are cornflakes but cornflakes are not Doritos
Fact #92: I played soccer when i was younger and my position was goalie...they called me the "Brick Wall" not so much because i was good but because i didn't move

Fact #93: All the lights in my house burned out once so my parents bought all new light bulbs...they thought it would be a good idea to get fluorescent lights....instead they accidentally got tanning bed lights so now i can only stay in my house fifteen minutes at a time

Fact #94: You know footsie is the only game you can play and not win.....or is everyone a winner
Fact #95: Sometimes i get days and hours mixed up...which would explain why i'm late for a lot of things

Fact #96: I hate when i ask mo the temperature and he gives it to me in SI units....what good is that to me

Fact #97: You know when you get toothpaste on your shirt and then you quickly wipe it off you're like oh phew i got it off but then like 10 minutes later it reappears even brighter than before....what's the deal with that

Fact #98: misstatement of the day: "Austin, i think i got off on your wrong foot" - Avi

Fact #99: I just found out that my mom is in the movie Woodstock....she's one of the chicks who flashes the camera....so don't ask me to watch Woodstock with you

Fact #100: (The Fact you've all been waiting for....at this point i'd just like to thank my sponsors for their support because without them this site would still just be a dream of mine, on that note i would like to send a shout out to Gateway for selling me my lap top for 1500 dollars, Coke for dropping their price from 1 dollar to a more reasonable 90 cents, Kodak for making all those great moments and last but not least PostIt for making a hell of a note).... Now for the moment you've all been anxiously awaiting, Fact number one hundred....well here it is...echem....Kantashi's (a kid that lives on my floor) dad was on the show Iron Chef and beat Iron Chef China in a tie breaker
Fact #101: The secret ingredient was Konnyaku...a jelly type substance

Fact #102: "I went to get a fake I.D. but the guy said i was too young." - Timothy Deland

Fact #103: I saw a glass room with a door and the door had a peep whole in it...now why would you need a peep whole on a door to a glass room

Fact #104: A good way to air-condition yourself while walking outside in the beating sun is to put cold bottles of water underneath your armpits

Fact #105: I'd like to be the president just so i could say "yeah i work out of my house"

Fact #106: Cool thing to do: stand next to a big bush and yell at it as if one of your friends is hiding in there (funniest if people are walking by)

Fact #107:In response to the question "so what is something you've never done and had to pick up quickly" in my interview i wish i hadn't responded "Math this year"

Fact #108: Some corrections Dashboard is one word (thank you meg and Aimee and whoever else told me), also Tim DeLand was spelled wrong in Fact #102 (my apologies)

Fact#109: Things you can't do at a nudist colony: play strip poker, put your wallet in your back pocked, wear clothes
Fact#110: Can you season your food with pepper spray?
Fact#111: Its not obvious at first but reducing fractions is kinda like those fluoride treatments you get at the Dentists office
Fact#112: At work this summer I conditioned myself to hold my breathe for 2 minutes
Fact#113: I heard the other day that shrimp are monogamous...if I were a shrimp and had to stay with my partner for the rest of my life I'd want one of those jumbo shrimp
Fact#114: I'm trying to loose some weight...I'm on this Nuevo diet you have an omelet for breakfast made from fish eggs...they are very tiny omelets, for lunch I have dehydrated lettuce and then for dinner i go to sleep early
Fact#115: People always ask me if there's a god...I don't know what to say them, I guess I should just stop hanging out around monasteries and temples
Fact#116: Towards the end of Elvis's career he died
Fact#117: They say ants can carry 500 times their weight...now how did they get this figure, did they just load up an ant until it smushed...they probably just noticed that ants were carrying these huge leaves but in reality that would be like you or i (assuming you're human) carrying a huge piece of Styrofoam
Fact#118: You'd have to pay me to volunteer

Fact#119: US Air is having a going out of business sale...they are selling all of their planes
Fact#120: Fact#110 is the only "fact" that's not a Fact

Fact#121: I'm selling autographed T-shirts for 8 dollars...for an extra 3 dollars I'll sign someone else's name

Fact#122: If I were president I would make a national "nobody kill anyone" day

Fact#123: Useless item: air freshener for a motorcycle
Fact#124: I'm always worried when I'm writing checks that I won't know how to spell the numbers

Fact#125: I know the periodic table...sometimes
Fact#126: The best thing about a 24 hour urine sample is that you can peepee in your room

Fact#127: I might not have all the answers but I have all the questions

Fact#128: I'd like to see seedless pomegranates...or seedless sunflower seeds...
Fact#129: Is it necessary for jet liners to fly upwards of 30,000 ft. If you ask me, I think the pilots are just showing off
Fact#130: I think the day would go a lot quicker if there were less hours in it
Fact#131: Something to think about the next time you're on the shitter: What if the guy who invented toilet paper weren't alive yet

Fact#132: There are some words that we just don't need, for instance when was the last time you ever used the word tine...or quondam...no not condom, quondam
Fact#133: I think the best cure for insomnia is to sleep it off

Fact#134: If you don't own it, It's probably not yours

Fact#135: If you knee someone in the balls by accident...say sorry
Fact#136: My dietitian told me to drink beer in order to build up my phosphate level...I asked if I could have a prescription for that

Fact#137: A skydiving instructor should never fall asleep on the job

Fact#138: A nanometer stick is very hard to keep track of

Fact#139: The best part about winning is not losing

Fact#140: I like when I drop something in the bathroom and it doesn't fall in the toilet

Fact#141: Thanks to crew I've lost 7 pounds and my will to go on

Fact#142: I think Taco Bell is running out of ideas...I just saw on their sign "Fajita stuffed Burritos"

Fact#143: Man do I love turkey...especially when its dead and cooked

Fact#144: We should all feel very fortunate that we don't have to take History class 900 years from now

Fact#145: I long for the days when math class consisted of telling time and figuring out how many nickels are in a quarter

Fact#146: A good indicator that you might not be going to the best dentist is if he/she wears latex mittens instead of latex gloves

Fact#147: Sometimes the only person I feel like talking to is the little voice inside my head

Fact#148: If you live in Antarctica, drying your clothes by a clothes line is probably not an option

Fact#149: New Years Resolutions decreased by 60% this year

Fact#150: Most depressing thing - pulling out that last tissue from a tissue box

Fact#151: Sometimes when I look at my watch and I see the little hands waving at me I feel like waving back

Fact#152: Discovery of the Millennium: The number Pi is in fact a repeating number. Taken out to 300,000,000,000,000,000,482 decimals, it starts over. Almost guys, almost.

Fact#153: I think the term Guerilla warfare is a little unfair to Guerilla's....I mean, I don't know any Guerilla's that fight wars.

Fact#154: Don't ever buy a thermometer that says "use at room temperature."
Fact#155: 19,645 people slipped today, this number is down from recent weeks.
Fact#156: The next film I make will be a Documentary about making a Documentary.

Fact#157: Putting pockets in bathing suits is a bad idea
Fact#158: Coffee flavored tea is a happy medium for all those tea drinkers who love the smell of coffee
Fact#159: In my house I'd like to have a smellevator

Fact#160: I work better with my shoes on but I think better with my shoes off. It's a conundrum of the highest order.
Fact#161: It's never too late to decide you don't like bowling

Fact#162: In Avish there are no homonyms or silent letters. Every thought, idea, object, verb and adjective (did I miss anything) gets it's own special word. And silent letters just seem like a waste of time.

Fact#163: I feel like teaching a dog to talk is a lost cause.

Fact#164: 19% percent of people who order water at fast food restaurants actually get it
Fact#165: It doesn't matter what time you go to bed, it matters what time you get up

Fact#166: I hate blatant false advertising, such as when you go to a bagel place and they try to pass off a bagel with onion, salt, poppy seeds, and sesame seeds as an "Everything Bagel"...I don't think so...where are the raisons, and the blueberries, and the pumpernickel, and the egg...the list goes on people.
Fact#167: I don't think I'm a loser, I think I just lose a lot

Fact#168: I can get floss in between some of my teeth but I can't pull it out, what's the deal with that...it seems like it should be able to go both ways
Fact#169: I've never felt closer to god....than when we had lunch at Starbucks. I'm pretty sure he had tea...odd huh? I remember asking him...god?...what do you drink?

Fact#170: when I stay in hotels I like to get a high floor in order to raise my potential energy...because let's face it I don't have much potential to begin with, anything helps

Fact#171: I addressed a stamp and tried sending it in the mail...I guess we'll just have to wait and see if my pen pal in Luxembourg gets it

Fact#172: I'm pretty sure the Girl Scouts have gone out of business but someone still seems to be making the cookies...that was the best thing they had going for them anyway

Fact#173: I've constructed a fence on my bed so I don't accidentally wake up on the "wrong side."

Fact#174: If I ever get sent to jail a good gift for me would be soap on a rope.

Fact#175: I hate wet naps. What, are people too lazy to get up and wash their fucking hands?

Fact#176: I walked into Starbucks the other day and ordered a decafe coffee. The cashier gives me this mean look like I killed the last living Panda Bear and says "That's the best you can come up with. We've got three hundred flavors of coffee and that's the best you can do?" I felt bad so I got a regular.

Fact#177: It's not that I don't find Julia Roberts attractive, I think she just has large features...like a big mouth and big ears, she'd be good to date a blind person.

Fact#178: I haven't had my mid life crises yet so it's probably pretty safe to say I've got about 20 more years left in me.

Fact#179: I bet you General Franks is wicked hard to beat in a game of risk.

Fact#180: They say worms are a sexual...but they never finish their sentence...a sexual what?
Fact#181: I was sitting on my couch...taking a shit, when it occurred to me...that I was sitting on my couch taking a shit.
Fact#182: I get nervous when I'm walking around...naked in public. I always think people are staring at me...but really they're just glancing.
Fact#183: When I went to sleep away camp my mom wrote my name in my underwear. If I lose my underwear, you don't have to give it back. I don't expect you to walk around all day with my underwear in the hopes they'll see me.
Fact#184: My hobby is collecting miniature micro-machines
Fact#185: When I went into a bank to withdraw money and they said..."you first need an account." I told them the story of when I went apple picking last fall.
Fact#186: Once, I urinated so long that I fell asleep in the bed that I was peeing in
Fact#187: Actually, I don't wet the bed anymore...I drench it

Fact#188: I hate fluorescent lights because they take so damn long to turn on...it's almost like you're bothering them.
Fact#189: I'm scared of getting brain cancer from using my cell phone too much...so I use someone else's.

Fact#190: Sometimes I look into things a little too deep...some friends got me a windbreaker as a gift, I think they're trying to tell me something.
Fact#191: I came home the other day and there was a picture of me hanging from my door attached with a knife that was stabbed right between my eyes...it's probably nothing.

Fact#192: I think instead of reading my Mechanics of Materials textbook, I'll just wait for the movie to come out.

Fact#193: New favorite TV show - Most Extreme Eliminations, it's on the SPIKE television network...if you thought Iron Chef was awesome, and I know you did, then tune in.

Fact#194: There should be a warning label on warning labels saying you may be warned by something that you don't want to be warned against.

Fact#195: People always say men will never experience child birth...how the fuck do you think we got here

Fact#196: I calculated that I've spent a total of 53 minutes waiting for foam on soda to fizzle down in order to put more soda in the cup

Fact#197: Why do you think glow in the dark light bulbs never took off

Fact# 198: They have wireless everything today, wireless phones, wireless internet...I bought a wireless wire the other day, I don't know where the hell to plug it in
Fact# 199: I went to the eye doctor recently and apparently my eyes are so good that I have to wear corrective lenses to diminish my eyesight...my doctor said that I might have an unfair advantage over the rest of society
Fact# 200: If I ever run out of facts I can just make stuff up

Fact# 201: Did you ever notice that everyone in the porn industry is a Star...they're not Porn Actors, they're Porn Stars. That's reason enough to join...I wanna be a star too!!
Fact# 202: I don't understand how automatic doors came about. I mean were people just like "you know, I'd like to go in that building but if I'm gonna have to open the door I can just go somewhere else." Have we all gotten that lazy?

Fact#203: I'm lazy but I think in a good way. Without me and my lazy friends we'd be without inventions like the Lazy Boy, or drive through windows, or squeezable lemon juice sold in fake plastic lemons, or automatic doors.


Fact#204: If fingernails could talk, and I don't think they can...but if they could, I think they'd choose not to.
Fact#205: I'm going to try to get a job weaving thin strands of wheat into Triscuits.

Fact#206: Who came first the Hen or the Rooster?...My guess is the Rooster.
Fact#207: I hate stairs, because stairs hate me. I was like "stairs, you want to have lunch" and stairs were like...FU, I hate you, why would I want to have lunch with you.
Fact#208: I think I've developed an allergy to Mercury and Lead based paint.

Fact#209: Money doesn't buy happiness, it buys the things that make happiness.

Fact#210: I never tire of getting tired.
Fact#211: The best thing about not having any limbs is that people hardly ask you to do favors for them.

Fact#213: Miniature murals aren't murals at all.

Fact#214: How do you think the movie would have changed if Darth Vator said "Luke I am your daddy."

Fact#215: I quit reading.
Fact#216: I look forward when in the future, watching TV will be like reading a book...painful.
Fact#217: Now, for pleasure I get full release massages...Wait did I just say full release massages, I meant...yeah that's what I meant.
Fact#218: I made probability history yesterday. I flipped a quarter 623 times and only managed to get 2 heads, the rest were tails.


Fact#219: Good new, I don't have Polio.
Fact#220: I narrowly escaped death the other day when I was almost crushed between a pair of elevator doors upon entry. Luckily, one of the passengers on board the lift was familiar with the button display and promptly executed the "Open Doors" command. A second female passenger courageously stuck her hand between the closing jaws of the mechanical monster and managed to pry the doors open with what seemed like a tremendous feet of superhuman strength. I never got a chance to thank this fearless individuals for their heroic actions. As a token of my appreciation I would like to dedicate this Fact#220 to my guardian angels, whoever you are. Thank You. Without the instinctive actions of these two people my ribcage and skull could have easily been crushed by this OTIS brand Elevator.
Fact#221: How come you never see any exclamation points in the Bible. Were people just not as excited back then. I feel like if I saw some dude split a sea in half I'd be like "Holy Fucking Shit!!"

Headlines (February 27 2001)

Columbus, OH - Housewife Susan Perchard is concerned that the cork board on her kitchen wall will soon fill up with papers. Two weeks ago she noticed that is was almost impossible to find open spaces for shopping lists and business cards. "I'm just not sure what I'm going to do when it's completely covered....the other day I had to put one of my sons drawing on the refrigerator, with a magnet" Mrs. Perchard has considered buying a larger cork board or possibly just throwing away old papers. In the meanwhile she has resorted to using a manila folder to hold excess materials.

Vestal, NY - Hendrik Milfet and other fourth graders are striking out against binder companies for making half inch binders. "Who are these of use to. Maybe if I want to secure like one piece of paper. But I've got more papers than one." Binder companies aren't taking the threats seriously. CEO Henry Weavers of Binder Inc. told reporters Monday that they will continue to produce the half inch binders. "We have a large demand for this size binder and will not stop making it." He went on to say that Binder Inc. makes a wide range of sizes and people should use whatever they feel is right for them.

NY, NY - PETA is suing the pita company PITA because as PETA spokeswoman Norma Wilshbin puts it "the letters in the name PITA could possibly be construed as People for the Inhumane Treatment of Animals, and we don't want that." Also, pitas can be eaten with lamb and chicken and that's just not right.

Park City, Utah - Man tries to marry blow up doll. Mark Liner 33, purchased a MASTERDATE from Porn Corner three years ago and says he has become "emotionally attached." Mark claims they would make a great married couple but is prohibited by Utah state law to marry "plastic things you blow up yourself." This isn't stopping mark though. He is moving to Vermont where you can marry just about anything. Vermont governor Mike Dotsy says he is very excited to have the first man doll marriage and hopes other states will open up their views on marriage.

Baltimore, Maryland - Painter Ed Raverford famous for his familiar roadside works such as Deer X-ing, Children at Play, Steep Incline, Intersection Ahead and many more died Tuesday afternoon. His car veered off a slippery road down a cliff into a falling rock zone. He is survived by his son Malter who posed as a subject for many of his creations.

Palm Springs, CA - Noris Jones a Palm Springs High School senior noticed Friday that the fade on his faded jeans was fading. Noris purchased the jeans from GAP about one and a half years ago. "They're getting bluer and actually look newer by the day" Noris said as he walked to 8th period Calculus. "People say they're "hella cool" and have a "new look" to them." Noris is thinking about wearing jeans he has from the mid ninety's and seeing if people will notice the difference between faded faded blue jeans and the regular plain old non chemical washed jeans. "This will sure save me a lot of money if I can just wear my old "new Jeans" as I like call them."

Boca Raton, Fla - Ira Rosenblat of Century Village retirement home complains cross word puzzles are getting too hard now a days. "I used to be able to finish the New York Times puzzle in a day or two, now I can't even start it. With such hard clues like "container for a plant (ans. - pot)" Ira believes he will have to head to local papers or maybe even Century Villages own monthly news bulletin puzzle. "They have clues that relate to us...like about medication and terminal illnesses. Last week one of the clues was "What plant when smoked help ease pain for glaucoma patients?"...pot, of course. Ira is trying his hardest as he put it "to stay in the game."

Chapel Hill, N.C. - Max Hogan 24, deposited 25 cents into a gum ball machine Wednesday evening before exiting Greaters ice cream parlor. "I was really hoping for a blue gum ball but I got orange. I was tempted to just give it to my friend and try again but I was worried that I might get red or green and I definitely didn't want one of those." Max and many others routinely go through this same experience. "I wonder if there's any way to make sure what color you will get." Max suggested that maybe some gum ball machines be stocked with only one color." As disappointed as Max was with his gum ball color he says the rest of the night went alright.

Richmond, VA - Parker Rogers says food saved his life. "I've been eating for about 53 years now...I can't imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't." Parker eats three square a day plus little snacks here and there. Snack favorites include thin slices of venison sausage, unsalted peanuts and airheads. "It's almost as though your body runs off food. When I don't eat for a while I feel lacking in energy and drained." Parkers commitment to food exceeds just eating, he's founded a "Food For Life" campaign dedicated to keeping people eating for the rest of their lives. Parker has made flyers and pins highlighting the benefits of eating. "Eat or die" one pin exclaims...well, it's about 12:30 so that is exactly what this reporter is going to do.

Providence, RI - Area man is discouraged that his stamp business is going slow. Blan Shipman local stamp maker is selling stamps in competition with the U.S. government. "No one seems to want my stamps. They say they're useless...I say a stamps a stamp." Mr. Shipman says that if business drops too much he will have to drop the stamp idea and come up with something new. He is thinking of printing his own money. "We need more of that right?"

Evanston, ILL - Raven Mardock 67 years old recently became armless in a freak deli slicer accident. "I'm cutting off 3 lbs. of corned beef for Mrs. Barts and the next thing I see is a deli slicer flying at my face. Some of the guys thought it would be funny to throw it around the place. Well the only thing I can do is shield the rest my body with my arms. So I set down the corned beef and block the slicer from hitting me. After I tell the guys not to throw the thing around while it's still plugged in I turn around to finish off the last half pound for Mrs. Barts. She was getting all cranky with the antics and what not so I'm trying to hurry up with the cutting but before I can say here you are Mam little Bobby hits me over the head with a meat cleaver and shoves my arms into the deli slicer. I'm all for a little light hearted fun at the deli but what I can't stand is people wasting meat. My blood spurted all over Mrs. Barts 3 lbs. I made little Bobby cut her some new slices from a clean piece free of charge. All I'm worried about now is how I'm going to blow my nose. We're coming into flew season you know."

Danville, VA - Michael Fisner, age 36, fears he will never be as good as a machine. Fisner has been let go from three different jobs because he was replaced by machines. Five years ago Fisner started working as a toll booth operator on I 95 but was soon replaced by a basket that drivers could throw their change into. Fisner then found a job in a sweatshop only to be pushed aside by sewing machines. "My last job I thought was failsafe. Finally, I thought to myself, job security. I worked for a mathematician Ed Zwaglord doing adding for him but after six months I was rendered useless by a calculator he bought." Mr. Fisner is trying to piece back together his life but is frequented by bouts of depression. "Every time I walk past a parking meter I think of all the people that lost their jobs because someone thought that a machine could keep track of parking spaces better than a human." Fisner says he won't stop trying. "There's gotta be something I can do better than a machine!" Fisner is thinking of becoming a porn-star/crack-dealer and doing baby sitting on the side to supplement his income.

Jackson Hole, WY - The ISA (International Satisfaction Agency) reports increasing dissatisfaction in satisfaction. "People are just not getting the same satisfaction out of satisfaction as they used to" says Mark Shoots, president of the satisfaction agency. "Americans have been satisfied for so long we're becoming immune. Americans have always had enough food, enough dry towels, enough TV's, enough ping pong tables. Maybe it's time we step back." Shoots suggests that if we starve ourselves of these types of pleasures for a year or two or three it might increase our satisfaction with them when we are reintroduced to them. Shoots is worried that the decrease in satisfaction here in America will lead to, as Mr. Shoots puts it, a global decline. Shoots wants to prevent Americans from bringing down historically satisfied nations such as Australia and Liechtenstein.

Washington, D.C. - The U.S. government says they are quickly running out of phone numbers. Mathematicians from around the world have been conferencing in the nations capital for the past 2 and a half years trying to solve this vexing problem. A low ranking government official Brian Yeager, often referred to by his buddies as Yeager mister, was sitting in his home three years ago and was thinking to himself "hmm I wonder if we're running out of phone numbers." Yeager mister then talked to a high ranking government official who thought about it himself. The high ranking government official then set up a sub-committee which set up a sub-sub-committee of 6,000 mathematicians to work on solving this national crisis. The German mathematician Lars Svednig heads up the sub-sub-committee and says "Ve have made much progress. First ve sought of adding more number to the telephone number but zat vould be too hard to remember. So zen ve came up with ze idea zat ve tought vill revolutionize phone numbers. It was there in front of our face the whole time I can't believe we didn't didn't sink of it sooner.....Negative Phone Numbers! I will give you an example. First you have 775-3412 and now you can have -77-5-(not a negative sign just a dash)34-12....So Simple!" Well kind of. Just don't try to take the square root of them and you'll be fine....somehow I think that joke went better at the mathematics sub-committee.

San Diego, CA - Waiter Joel Brenner notices that he does hardly any waiting at all. "Most of the time I'm on the go. Either pouring water or getting some ones check rung up. There's very little down time, that's why I like it so much. I don't like waiting." During the National Table Waiting Symposium held last August in Reykjavik (also where the waiter hall of fame is located), a vote was cast to rename waiters to "Leavers." Some waiters who attended the meeting think its a great change while others feel like they don't care at all.

London, England - Safety Paper, the worlds first completely safe "paper cut free" paper product had its debut this Monday. Offices around the globe tried out the first ever paper specifically designed to prevent paper cuts with an overwhelming response. "We just love safety paper" says Donna Freely and office assistant at Shmorgis Board INC. "I remember being cut at least three times a day by that evil tree product, now...no more." Safety Paper is made safe by a protective rubber lining that surrounds the whole page. "It's sort of like a rubber band taped around the edges" says company entrepreneur David Shwig. "In fact that's exactly what it is. This is just a beta version, we've only made about 14 pages so far that we distributed to different "paper hungry" companies. Once we figure out a way to mass produce our revolutionary new paper you'll find it in Staples and Office Max just like the other stuff." If your interested you can order your piece of Safety Paper from www.SafetyPaperIsGreat.com. Ms. Freely says she'll never go back to the regular stuff because Safety Paper is so easy to deal with and "user friendly."

Omaha, Nebraska - 14 year old John Burdin says taking shits in school isn't as so bad. "People never take shits in school because they think the bathroom is dirty. But in reality since no one takes shits in school they're quite clean." Burdin's friends think John's crazy but respect him for being able to press his ass cheeks up against such filth.

Johnson City, Fl - Man is buried for seven days and says, "...eh, it wasn't so bad. I got to spend some quality me time." Burt Chindale was noticed missing six days after he had been buried under a pile of dirt he was burrowing through on a construction site. Wife Susan of 27 years said she didn't notice he was gone until one day she tried to put down the toilet seat and it was already down. "Thank god I needed to use the bathroom. Who knows how long it could have been before I realized my husband hadn't been home in a week." Fellow workers at the construction site said that Burt was one of those guys who stood around and didn't do much so they didn't really notice he was gone. Burt doesn't seem to mind that no one noticed he was gone saying, "I'm actually kind of relieved to see that no one relies on me in this world, it makes me a free man. It'll just give me more time to go fishing and explore my backyard."

Anywhere America, - A chronically depressed hypochondriac overdoses on placebos. Fred Freder a depressed man from somewhere...it doesn't really matter where he was from...was in a control group for a new antidepressant called Zolotrex. Mr. Freder swallowed the whole bottle of placebos after a night of Must See TV on NBC. "I just couldn't take all those happy shows and happy people, I felt so alone" says Freder. After downing the whole bottle Freder felt "nauseous and gassy." Saying, "After taking the whole bottle of pills I knew I was done for. I could feel my innards making their way out...I could feel myself dying." Mr. Freder's doctor, Dr. Mike Lamzadar explained to Fred that he was going to be alright and that the pills were nothing more than sugar tablets. After convincing Mr. Freder that the pills weren't real and that he wouldn't die of an overdose Fred then became depressed over the fact that he was not picked by the medicine company to receive the real drug. "No one ever picks me...I never get picked...for once just someone choose ME!!!" exclaimed Freder.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Man with wig tests positive for drugs. Target manager, Roger Palpison, 24, had a snippet of his hair unknowingly cut from his head during a lunch break. The hair was sent to a lab and tested positive for marijuana and a list of other opiates. Roger claims that since it was not his hair he should be retested by either a blood or urine test to prove he is innocent of these charges. When asked to comment Target executive Barry Worthalot said that Target's no tolerance, one strike your out policy eliminates the possibility of a retest. Mr. Palpison could not believe the ludicrousness of the decision saying "It's a *%#@ing wig...it's not my hair!!...Don't you people understand!?" Mr. Palpison said he started going bald at the young age of 5 1/2 and his head was completely hairless by 10. Roger sent application after application to Locks of Love but he was never chosen by the organization to receive a wig. In a last ditch effort Roger pleaded for help with a Dutch group called Hair for up There. Where they finally gave him the help and hair he needed.

Rawlings, WV - The West Virginia senate recently passed a bill that makes talking in libraries a punishable offense. If found bantering with others or simply murmuring to ones self, jail time of up to 36 months can be ticketed to the offender at the discretion of the librarian. Talking in libraries has been on the rise according to a study published last year in the journal "Quiet Time" noting that since 1970 talking has increased 43%. Librarians in WV lobbied in support of the bill. A rally was held last Saturday before the bill was signed with librarians holding up signs, rather than chanting, that said "Shh means Shh." To many it seems that talking in libraries isn't a very significant issue and is ridiculous to hand out jail time for such an action but as one Librarians puts it "Libraries weren't made for your personal little play time. If you want to talk, study at Starbucks."

NY NY - Friend of three years makes classic illiterate mistake. Harry Bonning, 22, suspected his friend, Mike Wallstead might be illiterate but saw no hard proof until three years into their relationship. Bonning said mike "always seemed like he was guessing in restaurants as to what was on the menu and never wanted to read me what movies were playing in the newspaper. One time Mike even shampooed his hair with Jergens lotion for an entire week until I asked him about it. I knew it was because he couldn't read the label but Mike just shrugged it off saying that he thought his scalp was super dry." Bonning said the most condemning incidence came last week on the subway. "We were going to a jazz club Friday night and as we sat down on the train Mike pulls out a book he was "reading." After the 20 minute trip down to the village I asked Mike why he held his book upside down slowly flipping pages as if he were reading." This caught Mike off guard so he quickly replied. "I'm not illiterate," trying to ward off suspicion. Bonning however was convinced even more by his sudden answer. Bonning wants to confront Mike about his apparent illiteracy but keeps laughing every time he thinks about his friends problem. Bonning said he thinks he'll just take mike to more movies with subtitles and then try to have a conversation about them afterwards. "He's got to have a breaking point" Bonning said, "And I'm going to crack him."

LA, California - Model, Jai Calme, was fired during a recent photo shoot for cracking a smile. The shoot with world renowned photographer Edward Siegel for a Bryers Ice Cream was going relatively well until Jai started to bend his facial muscles into what appeared to resemble a smile. "Whoa...what's that" said Siegel. Jai Calme stunned wasn't absolutely sure what Seigel was referring to and began to reply "Ah, I was just about to smile." "No, we don't do that anymore" Siegel explained. "That's a mistake still lingering from the 80's...If you want to smile go on some children's show. Here we do the "pained stare of longing" or the "look of admonishment" as Siegel loosened his face and tilted his head to show Jai. "Now get off my set" yelled Siegel, "you're a disgrace to the profession." Jai has reportedly not been able to find modeling work since the firing saying "photographers think I might crack a smile at any moment and they don't want that kind of liability."