High Five

photo credit: morgan kim

Amstel and Honeydew

So I got my big break. Network execs from FOX met with me in the Rainbow Room of all places. Nice enough view, decent meal. They were interested in some reality TV show ideas I had, so I pitched a couple. I started out strong, with my heavy hitter first. "Americas Next Top Pedophile." Ten guys in their mid 40's, balding, with polo shirts buttoned up all the way. How can you miss. Each week, their mission, to use the "petty-phile" cash to buy, beg, borrow or steel a young pre-teens heart. Americas Next Top Pedophile outfits each contestant with a big black van and bail money. My next idea, "Legend Sex," involved broadcasting homemade sex tapes made by famous historical figures such as Napoleon, Columbus, Elizabeth II, and Michael Ducakas. Before the waiter could even bring out the second palate cleanser, I was sitting alone, abandoned by the network execs. I had only my brilliance to keep me company.

p.s. Tonight, I was eating at Neils Coffee Shop. A man entered, sat at the counter and order Amstel and honeydew for dinner.

iMADE

I'll know I've made it in this world when iTunes asks me to create a "celebrity play list." In the meantime, before the big day and so as not to ruin the big surprise "what does Avi listen to?!?" here are my top six pics...for movies.

- Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Infrastructure never looked so good
- Sideways: And upside down, and missionary.
- True Romance: A movie that has everything.
- Defending Your Life: The only reason I hope there's an afterlife.
- Falling Down: Everyone has these days.
- Russian Dolls: My favorite protagonist, I want to be him.

Consumer Affairs: Staples Paper

In these uncertain times, death seems immanent, approaching like the inevitable pre-quels to Harry Potter. Taking unnecessary risk isn't something you OR your family should do. That's where our crack team of investigative researchers comes in. We rigorously tests, use, and report on house-hold products so your two month old doesn't have to. That's how much we care.

This issue, Staples multiuse recycled printing paper. Staples claims to have performed their own independent "third-party quality testing program." We felt their tests lacked thoroughness and employed our own fourth, fifth, and sixth party quality testing program. Read the "Staples Quality Promise" below, you'll see how laughably inadequate their program was.

Photo Credits: Morgan Kim



Well, not every job. See below.

Can Staples multiuse recycled printing paper dry hair? No, it cannot.

Do Staples multiuse recycled printing paper ear buds provide for easy listening?

We found songs that were "treble heavy" come out loud and clear. Bassier songs sound muddy. If you stick to the soaring vocals of Steve Perry, your Staples multiuse recycled printing paper ear buds are sure to please.

Does Staples multiuse recycled printing paper taste good? Yes. We made a simple Staples multiuse recycled printing paper creamed chili risotto and washed it down with a chilled white Staples multiuse recycled printing paper Pinot Grigio. Delish!! Directions, preheat oven to 450, make creamed chili risotto, bake Staples multiuse recycled printing paper for 45 minutes or until golden brown, remove and place over risotto. It's just that easy. Beat that Ms. Rachel Ray!

A Quick Plug

This American Life, now on TV. Showtime. http://www.sho.com/site/thisamericanlife/home.do

Always Wondered, Never Figured, Still Incunclusive

[NOTE: this entry is a little long and somewhat confusing]

Walk along any New York City street and your likely to find a United Homeless Organization (UHO) table set up waiting for your hand out. If you've never seen one, look for a folding table complete with big plastic jug, red or white table cloth, and an official looking logo. Every time I pass, the question begs, "What is UHO?" "Am I supposed to be giving them money?" "Is it actually an organization." "Is it run by the homeless?"

I spent a little time on the interweb and came across this:

On Democracy Now (DN) (http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/04/07/0219252) and the Village Voice (VV) (http://www.villagevoice.com/news/0148,friedman,30289,1.html) I found articles that talk about an organization called the United Homeless Organization. This seemingly gives UHO credence, because it is cited in such established media outlets. Both web articles describe how UHO helped in the search following 9/11, documenting lost homeless people. A tricky bunch to follow seeing as the homeless do not have a conventional family or support system.

The VV article provides a link to the UHO website (www.unitedhomelessorganization.COM) that does not work. On the DN website, they link to the UHO through this address (http://www.blackplanetradio.50megs.com/uho.html). After clicking through a few pages, one is directed to a "donation page," where there isn't actually a place to donate. This web address is not the one posted on UHO donation tables throughout the city. If memory serves me correct, the address given is (www.unitedhomelessorganization.ORG). This address and the address hot-linked on DN both lead to the same web page (http://www.altrue.net/site/uho/). Note, the VV and DN provide two different web sites for the same organization.

Other information I found regarding UHO was from the website (www.VirtualObscurity.com). Virtual Obscurity, as far as I can tell, is just some guys blog...some guy like me. They claim the UHO is a scam, more or less an organized form of pan handling. People get to use the name and logo to acquire money under a seemingly legit organization, the UHO. They give a small portion of their "proceeds" to the "organization" and keep the rest. Virtual Obscurity provides a link to an "IRS form" proving UHO's supposed corruptness (I clicked on the link but didn't find the form). They also claim that UHO doesn't actually provide any programs for homeless. All UHO provides is a name to pan handle under.

Another web site, Wiretap (http://www.wiretapmag.com/stories/16987/) (cannot assess validity) explains essentially what Virtual Obscurity does, except Wiretap describes this in a good light:

"On their first day working, a person will train with someone...at a table. [They are shown] by example how to ask for a donation. At the end of [their first] shift they receive half of whatever was collected. [Subsequent shifts, a] $15.00 fee is charged [by UHO]...A person can disappear for days at a time, then return when they feel the need to work."

Wiretap also speaks of Stephen J. Riley, the head of UHO, wanting to build the organization and raise enough money to "be the first homeless organization that owns its own building...The building would be used to house homeless people and give them a place to sleep, especially during cold winter months."

Bottom line, the UHO remains somewhat of a mystery. If you donate with the intention of helping the greater good, it seems that you've been misled. However, the money is going to a homeless person, specifically the homeless person behind the jug, which is ultimately the goal? Maybe. Knowing what I know now, assuming what I know is accurate, I feel uncomfortable giving to "UHO." It feels too much like deception. As one thinks they are donating to a group, UHO, that will care for and provide assistance to homeless people. Essentially, you may as well give to any person begging for money.

If you want to help NYC homeless, try these less dubious sources:
http://www.coalitionforthehomeless.org
http://www.ny.com/community

Notes On A Life Not Mine

Names have not been changed because there are no innocent.

Meet Tex. Age unknown. He's old enough to have fought in two wars, lived in 22 countries, has twice as many children, stabbed nine times, shot twice, married three, and won four bouts as a professional boxer only to stop because of a broken hip. He's written an autobiography, though not on paper and is glad to read any chapter you like in his thick southern accent that almost sounds like a foreign language. But if you can't understand his words it's more likely you just don't believe them. I've forgotten more stories and quotes by Tex in a week than most people cull in a lifetime. He recently recalled a tender account with me, remembering how he was almost "fucked to death three times. When them girls got up and sat on my face I almost suffocated. That's how I learned to breathe through my ears. And when they got real into it and wrapped their legs round my head, I wished I could breathe through my asshole."

Tex's only dream was to father enough boys for a football team but as he puts it "all I got was a squad of cheer leaders." After recalling one of his many carnivorous exploits he explained the most rewarding thing he'd ever seen was in South America when "one of them dark latin beauties was walking down the street with a blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl sucking from her titty. And you can thank me for that."

This morning, Tex dropped dead at my feat. He didn't shed a tear or spout off any last words, he just quietly lay there, smiled, and slowly put his hands over his balls. As if to say "I'm taking these with me. Because I bet there's a whole bunch of women up there in heaven waitin' for me to fuck them."

Well, I sure as hell hope so Tex. Where his work didn't take him, his fists did and when his fists couldn't win it, his dick did. He is survived by everyone alive right now.


[editors note: Tex didn't actually die, I just wasn't sure how to end it]

Counter This

Walking along Avenue of the Americas tonight I noticed a gatherance of about 20 cop cars at 49th street. Wondering what could be the problem I probed a nearby police officer for details. Not noticing he was on the phone, I got the "hold on a sec" gesture and I waited momentarily while he finished his call. After he got off, the answer came, "counter-terrorism employment." No explanation, just that. Oh, I thought to myself, and is it just a coincidence that all 20 squad cars are parked in front of Adel's Halal Shwarma Shack? Hopefully Adel, hopefully.